Commentary

Bananas: Help Wanted – GRASS for my dog 

Good morning:

Over the past few months it has become increasingly aware to me that my dog Rynancy (formerly Ryno) is asking for Gender Re-Assignment Sex Surgery (GRASS). 

How do I know?  S/he continues to not lift s/her leg while peeing and pooping, for one.  Secondarily, s/her two best friends are girl dogs (Zoey and Princess). S/he is constantly over at their houses playing with them and LOVES playing with their toys.  S/he brings them to our house often.  

Conversely, the neighbor dog Buddy, who is a biological male and is chained up (for good reason) is the object of Rynancy’s ridicule every day.  In fact I can hear s/her outside right now barking at he/him. Buddy is the typical jerky male and deserves he/his chains and Rynancy makes sure he/him knows it.  Did I mention buddy is white (mostly)?  I think you get my point. 

Anyway, I’ve been looking into GRASS surgery in Vermont and I can only find doctors who do it for human children. How unfair is that?  Rynancy is my child and I am human, so that should count. It’s so oppressive in Vermont in fact, I had to go all the way to Rhode Island to get Ryno’s ears cropped because Vermont, though a sanctuary state, offers no sanctuary for trans-dogs who want their ears to look bold and beautiful.  This is so upsetting s/he and I both had to be put on anti-depressants. 

Another reason I know this is s/his choice is I caught him taking my wife’s shoes, mostly high heels, and bringing them from room to room to sleep with them.  S/he even licks them tenderly at times which gets me a little emotional because s/he can’t speak English but actions speak louder than words.  Finally, we were watching Lia Thomas wipe the pool with those cys-gender sissies and Rynancy was barking affectionately the entire time.  My neighbor said it was to warn the women swimmers there was a man in the pool with them so I asked he/him to leave because we don’t tolerate that kind of hate speech in our house.  

I asked the person behind the counter at the Pet Smart in West Lebanon if they did it and they said no.  We agreed this needs to change. So if anyone can give me the name of a reliable veterinarian who performs GRASS procedures and can toss the neutering in for free that would be great.  

Thank you!

JK Bananas

Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont.

Categories: Commentary

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8 replies »

  1. Not skipping a beat, its April 1st, when Truth is spoken, then reframed as a joke.
    Babylon Bee could do no better.
    Keep us laughing at the lunacy we have accepted, Johnny B!
    Its SO good for the Soul.

  2. I have a cat that had those symptoms. His name was Butternut. I had him neutered. Now we call him Butternutless.

  3. The longer I live the more am I convinced that this planet is used by other planets as a lunatic asylum

    • The problem with this intergalactic model is the inevitability of the lunatics running the asylum. Which clearly is the case here in the States.

  4. This is bad for two reasons. 1) it’s transphobic and 2) IT’S NOT FUNNY. Please try again using one of your other two brain cells.

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