Commentary

Bananas: Fill out those brackets for this year’s anti-Christ

Vegas Odds: The Anti-Christ

By Johnny Bananas

March madness is already here because madness is the new normal and your three masks and $9 gallons of gas to shame your neighbors and Vladimir Putin only prove the point.  With prices about to sky rocket for everything from organic tomatoes to earth saving toiletries, we wanted to give you an inside line on some serious Vegas odds, so you can cash in on this hot gambling opportunity.  Who better than the experts in Sin City to lay down some odds to give you, the little non-binary gender fluid demi-birthing person, a shot at cashing in on the world’s fate? 

Since you most likely haven’t and won’t read the Bible, but might summon the strength to read the Babylon Bee, also famous for their uncanny predictions, we have sifted the wheat from the chaff (note the reference) to bring you the…  VEGAS ODDS ON THE ANTI-CHRIST!

  1. Klaus Schwab (2-1) – Revelation 13

Pros: Leader of billionaire globalist cult the World Economic Forum.  Author of cult indoctrination books the Great Reset and the Great Narrative.  Strategically located in the EU (re: ten horned beast) region.  On record promoting mark of the beast technology. Strong German accent with ties to NAZI party; wears funny alien-Lord tunic; online photos suggest seriously deviant behavior.

Cons: Too easy of a pick.  His cartoonish bald head and accent reminiscent of Dr. Evil to the point of caricature

2. Bill Gates (3-1) – Matthew 4:8-9

Pros: Top-five wealthiest person on the planet.  Major donor to Lucis Trust (formerly Lucifer Trust).  Legally patented COVID-19 vaccine tech with 060606 number.  Master deceiver who claims philanthropy while also supporting mass murder (props!).  Loves diseases of all kinds given work with viruses and late pal Jeffrey Epstein.

Cons: Seriously geeky dresser.  Lives in the Northwest

3. Pope Francis (4-1) – 2 Corinthians 11:14

Pros: Early favorite given long history of assumed identity as Anti-Christ (see: Seventh Day Adventists, et. Al.). Ecumenical and liberal policies contradicting word of God; member of the problematic Jesuits; embroiled in pedophile cover-up; new Vatican temple looks like head of snake.

Cons: Too obvious and too many sweet little old ladies praying for him rather than too him hurt his chances

4. George Soros (5-1) – John 10:10

Pros: Massively leveraged to ruin every first world society with deceptive organization The Open Society Foundation.  Has personal horde (see: Antifa, BLM).  Funds stealing, killing and destroying (see John 10:10). May be one of only two extremely rare super-predator-pscyho-sociopaths in existence

Cons: Likely to age out given he has more wrinkles than a satchel of prunes and bags under his eyes that need to be checked as carry-on luggage when traveling.

5. Vladimir Putin (6-1) Revelations 6:8

Pros: Vlad “the invader” jumps several spots with his recent foray into Ukraine.  Serious pedigree from his time as a soviet KGB agent; Clinton-esque body count; obvious narcissism on horseback; controlling relationship with Russian orthodox church.

Cons: Consistent failures in foreign policy and recent trouncing by the west from economic sanctions give appearance of mere mortality.  More likely he represents either Gog or Magog instead of top shelf role as The Anti-Christ.

6. Donald Trump (7-1) Daniel 9:27

Pros: Clearly a global favorite as far as the (satanic) LEFT is concerned.  History of womanizing, uncompromising narcissism and ruthless negotiations are key features to any Anti-Christ front runner. Brokered peace deal in Middle East that had the church leaders cackling like school girls about possible prophetic A-C level event.  He attracts demonic activity wherever he goes (see U.S. 2016-2020). Orange skin is hellish in nature.

Cons: Age, lack of globalist aspirations, and getting owned by (satanic) social media all work against the Don.

7. Barack and/or Michelle Obama (7-1) Isaiah 14:14

Pros:  As a unit they are a formidable, however individually they lose strength.  B.O.’s street cred, multi-cultural heritage, Islamo-Socialist-Christian orientation reek A-C potential.  Writing books about himself even before he was famous and the picture emerges.  Drone strikes, starting wars, and hugging Hillary Clinton without bursting aflame all increase his chances. M.O., rumor has it, is a tranny so technically qualifies.  A serious run for POTUS could vault her/him, they/them to the top.

Cons: Typical of a married couple the battle for top dog seems to hold both back.  We’re waiting on M.O.’s run for POTUS to increase either’s favorability.

8. Hillary and/or Bill Clinton (10-1) Revelation 17:3

Pros: Hillary would be a 1-2 favorite were it not for her gender – even the A-C is part of the patriarchy (sorry fems).  Her track record of 60+ “suicidal” friends, Libyan invasion, shameless political power plays, and insatiable appetite for control make most front runners blush.  Slick Willy is no slouch either and makes the list for his equally shameless history of being married to Hillary, involvement in war, fraudulent Clinton Foundation dealings and famous 26 flights on Epstein’s Lolita Express.

Cons: Age and health are concerns.  Hillary phases out as a woman, however thanks to the popularity in gender reassignment surgery she still has a chance if she becomes a man.

9. Justin Trudeau (12-1) Revelations 13:5

Pros: Emergence as a cold authoritarian capable of controlling citizen’s assets make JT a rising star in the A-C game. Rumors of being sired by Castro out of wedlock and his stock rises further.  Multi-lingual, devilish good looks and metro-sexual vibe also work in his favor.

Cons: Like Hillary he needs to become a man to be taken seriously.

10. Mark Zuckerberg (15-1) Revelation 13:15

Pros: Fantastic wealth, solid pedigree, and ability to control global communications all weigh heavily in his favor.  Recent creation of an AI based universe and robot like personality likewise boost chances.

Cons: Milquetoasty exterior, beta-male vibe and schoolboy demeanor drop candidacy considerably.

11. Jeff Bezos (16-1) Revelation 13:16

Pros: Similar demi-god financial, commercial and media magnate status place him just outside of the top ten.  Add in his phallus shaped rocket to symbolically screw creation more than he already has and he’s a comfortable top-level bet.  Word on the street Bezos might be short for Beezlebub.

Cons: No militaristic skills, lightweight with the ladies, undeclared allegiances to secret societies and diminutive stature degrade this otherwise stalwart figure.

12. Elon Musk (20-1) Revelation 13:13

Pros: All of the Dr. Evil level accoutrement without the creepy personal appearance and entourage.  His rapier wit and ability to develop an intergalactic kingdom also a plus.  Recent challenge to fight Vladimir Putin make Musk one to watch.

Cons: History of calling out obviously demon possessed charlatans like Joe Biden, Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders.  Babylon Bee interview indicated a favorable opinion of Jesus Christ which keeps his stock low.

PALE RIDERS and DARK HORSES

Ben Shapiro (30-1)

  • Shapiro denies Christ while being an observant Jew – a deadly combination.  Though hated by the left Shapiro has a growing media company with a Harvard pedigree.

Bernie Sanders (40-1)

  • A long time atheist-communist and ethnic Jew Sanders has the people power to create a populist A-C persona.  Age, low energy, a Vermont residence and getting spanked by HRC in 2016 keep him on the fringe.

Xi Jinping (50-1)

  • If Asia could have an Anti-Christ Xi would be the heavy favorite (sorry not sorry Kim Jun).  However, lack of western clout, a soft-spot for the Bidens and poor
    Biblical support for a Chinese A-C make him a long shot.  More likely the leader of Magog.

Lucious Cyphers (100-1)

  • What’s in a name?  A lot if your name is Lucious Cyphers and you live at 666 Hades Lane in Transylvania.  However Sweet Lou, as he is known to friends, is a seamstress by trade and has started a macramé side gig with underwhelming global aspirations.  He also regularly attends a reformed church where he is the butt of many jokes among fellow congregants.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Kim Jung Un, Albert Mohler, Prince Charles, Prince William, Gretchen Whitmer, Kevin Spacey, Lebron James, Gavin Newsom, Oprah, Johnny Bananas, Carrot Top, Larry Elder, Louis Farakhan, Joe Rogan, Jack Dorsey, Caitlyn Jenner, Beto O’Rourke, Kanye West, Tom Brady, Mitch McConnell, Tucker Carlson

LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARDS:

Marquis De Sade, Nero, Aleister Crowley, Anton Levay, L. Ron Hubbard, Adolf Hitler, V.I. Lenin, Joseph Stalin, Mao Tse Tung, Lord Maitreya, Siddhartha Budda, Mohammed, Jerry Lee Lewis

Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont.

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8 replies »

  1. You forgot the prez of the Teacher’s Union. And Neil Young – who only a few years ago gave a “Freedom of Speech” tour and now proceeds to do all he can to inhibit free speech because of his personal disdain for Trump.

    Then there’s every last one of the past/present/future elected officials within Nassau County, NY & a couple of former high school bullies (they had to have coined the “mean girls” verbiage). But those last couple of mentions are merely just a few of my own personal favs for Anti-Christ and likely aren’t going to come close to the finalist list; long as it may be.

    Otherwise? Great job.

    • Thank you for the feedback but I prefer to not water down the hallowed role of this ancient and esteemed figure with personal

  2. I vote for Jack Dorsey and vice Antichrist, Sean Penn, but you had me chuckling out loud. By far your best effort yet, Bananas. It helps that you know your Bible. Since Revelation chapter 13 writes specifically about the number of the Beast and it is of a man, 666. You are probably familiar with CERN and their Large Hadron Collider beneath Switzerland. Just spit balling here, but whatever emerges out of that particle accelerator from a demonic dimension might be our boy, and I don’t mean Rob Leibman’s Hellboy. שלום

  3. Dorsey lost status when he bailed from
    Twitter. He has a solid creeper profile though. Sean Penn needs a 12 step program before I take him seriously as an A-C candidate.

  4. very interesting and entertaining…. I wonder though how many high school seniors could even identify half the candidates you’ve mentioned….. hint: locate the Ukraine on an unmarked map.

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