Commentary

Bananas Academy Summer Courses

by Johnny Bananas

School’s out for summer…only if you’re a loser!  We at Bananas Academy are winners and we’re looking for other winners who would rather spend their summer bettering themselves instead of soaking up the short lived New England sun wasting expensive gas on adventures and chasing members of the opposite sex for momentary pleasure and lasting memories.  As we say at Bananas Academy, you don’t have that highly evolved monkey brain for nothing, it’s made for Bananas! 

Adulting: Spanking 101

It is a lost art and we intend to reclaim it.  Learn the basics of the when, where, who, why and how to spank and spank well. 

  • Big hand, little hand – how to time your spanks. 
  • Who is getting spanked? Ben.  Ben who? Ben Dover and you’ll find out. 
  • Welcome to Indonesia  – the art of spanking in public. 
  • Disciplinary only?  Spanking for weirdos. 
  • Why am I getting spanked?  Because you ask too many questions!
  • “Clean up on aisle nine!” – Turning complaints about Golden Grahams in golden opportunity

Home Economics: Prepping for the Apocalypse

The signs are all here: pestilence, drought, famines, transhumans, and both the Red Sox and Cubs won the World Series.  The anti-christ is fluffing his eternal stone pillow and Jesus is lacing up his sandals getting ready to tread the wine press.  Speaking of wine, have you seen the make your own wine kits on Amazon?  We have those and more! 

  • Three’s company: canning, jarring or starving
  • How to grow a victory garden in the back of a Prius 
  • What is a fully semi-automatic assault style rifle and so they come in pink? 
  • Zombie ID tactics – heroin addict or walking dead?

Political Philosophy: Rules for Radicals 2.0

Saul Alinsky’s time honored classic handbook on how to terrorize your political enemies while convincing the world you’re the victim.  These well-worn tactics first gained traction in the Great Cherubim Rebellion (recognized in the book’s dedication) can be seen being used in such great bowel stirring movements as the Watts Riots, Occupy Wall Street, BLM’s Summer of Love, and the most recent Terror Reins Supreme:  Let’s Kill Kavanaugh mob.  This advanced class includes: 

  • Murder or Kidnap? A tale of two bodies 
  • “Mock!” –“ ing!”, “Bird!” – “sing! Meet your dumb and dumberer friends in the media 
  • Gone country – What the NAZI’s got wrong and what they got right
  • Pyromania – not just the most awesome Def Leppard album of all-time
  • Let’s Go Crazy –using your mental illness for political power 
  • Do Math not Meth – why Communism will work after forty-eight consecutive failed attempts 

Biology 101: What Is A Woman?

Women, like Rubik’s cubes, are nearly impossible to figure out.  No one knows this better than men and other women.  Like a Picasso painting their identity and moods can change from either side of their many faces, to the point now the world is so confused many don’t even recognize a woman when s/he’s standing right in front of them.  This course attempts to answer that once common knowledge biological question. 

  • N.O.W. – National Organization for Who?  Become a member through our exclusive offer!
  • Let’s have a mall!  If they run into it like a firefighter and don’t return until they’ve “saved” lots of things – it’s probably a woman. 
  • Body as a second language – if they’re communicating volumes while not talking – likely a woman. 
  • Getting  baked – if they make cakes, cookies or pies for no particular reason and without marijuana involved – definitely not a dude.
  • Use the force – are they expecting you to read their mind even though you’re not a Jedi?  Likely a femalien
  • Do they have breasts and are not a chicken but appear to be an adult female human?  Odds are, they have the chromosomes to match. 

Sign up today using PROMO CODE: SUMBANANAS to get 20% off any of the above classes.  All of our classes are accredited by the NFNAA* (National Fake News Accrediting Agency).  All credits are non-refundable nor transferrable, not even to community colleges.  Take advantage now of our 100% no money down, no money back guarantee. 

*NFNAA is a subsidiary of Bananas Inc. owner of Bananas Academy 

Categories: Commentary

5 replies »

  1. Though the left never, ever asks what a man is (though they may think it’s those heavily festooned, sized quadruple K brassiere-wearing, flailing & dancing readers at young children’s “story” hours) –

    I would nonetheless like the opportunity – when the time is right (or left(?) to checkmate you on what a man is…..OK, Mr Bananas?

    • You assumed my gender??? How do you know I’m a mister? Bananas, though phallic and fruity, are non-binary.

      Knight to rook two.

  2. I needed this laugh. Remember that word? Everything is political or dreary. Keep them coming!

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