by Joey Avocadoes

One bill which survived crossover this legislative session is literally a bill about crossing over.

H.987654321 passed out of the House Education Committee and will provide state funding for black bear literacy programs. Co-sponsors of the bill are Rep. S.O. Cilley (D) of East Dummerston and Rep. Stuart “Stu” Pidd (P) of West Dummerston.

You might be wondering what black bear literacy has to do with crossing over. Well, a record number of black bears have been hit and killed this year by motor vehicles on both I-89 and I-91. Reps. Cilley and Pidd believe that if bears were able to read the “Bear Crossing” signs, they would know where the safest places are to cross Vermont’s interstate highways instead of trying to cross over at random areas. 

“We think crossover is the perfect opportunity to bring public attention to and engender support for the importance of this bill,” said Cilley.

One of several witnesses to testify before the committee is the executive director of Planned Barrenhood of Northern New England, Karen I. Kilham-Childs. She not only stressed the importance of teaching black bears basic reading skills, but the absolute necessity of their being exposed to early cub sex education curricula.

“Even as cubs, black bears are sexual creatures. It’s never too early to expose them to the infinite possibilities of sexual experiences available to them. Progressive new graphic literary materials are now being developed for cubs as young as pre-school which promote abortion and other-species attraction. We believe it is crucial to their health and well-being for them to come out of the woods as early as possible. And when they do come out, we want to make sure they learn how to practice safe crossovers.”

Kilham-Childs went on to say, “We are also strongly advocating for a bill which will make all-species restrooms mandatory in the great outdoors. We refuse to confine our furry, fuzzy wildlife family to outdated and rigid boundaries by perpetuating constructs as artificial and exclusionary as the difference between species.”

Also testifying before the committee was Lilly White, CEO of Black Bears Matter, who has suggested the state adopt a curriculum her group designed specifically to educate bears about Vermont’s long, dark history of oppression and racism against black bears and their forebears.

“Vermont’s motto is Freedom and Unity? What a joke! said White. “It is absolutely egregious how black bears have been marginalized throughout Vermont’s history. Our goal is 100% bear literacy by the year 2050. It’s a big ask, but we believe it’s totally doable. And this aligns perfectly with the purpose of H.126 which mandates that Vermont conserve 50% of its land by 2050.”

White added, “Another goal of Black Bears Matter is to completely eliminate the dubious distinction of Vermont’s public school students being barely literate, transforming the stigma into the encouraging and upbeat new slogan: ‘Vermont’s Public School Students are Bearly Literate.’

“We have been working very hard to replace the old saying, ‘A fed bear is a dead bear,’ with one which is modern and much more tolerant and inclusive: ‘An educated bear is a live bear.’”

The bill is expected to receive favorable support in the upper chamber, even among Re-cublican senators. Governor Scott has expressed some doubts about the bill and not yet said if he will sign it when it crosses his desk, but indicated that he would be much more likely to do so if lawmakers can work together to make sure the bill contains language ensuring that Vermont’s large number of bear supervisory unions will be consolidated into just one or two. 

“Vermont has always been a state which respects the bodily autonomy of bears, and as long as I’m governor, I will continue to support that. So, I have no problem with what’s being proposed. And, of course, literacy is paramount if Vermont is to encourage and promote well-educated, responsible citizens. It was actually quite embarrassing to find out that with the tremendous amount of money we have put towards education in Vermont, our bears have fallen behind even Mississippi. Our citizens are already feeling the tremendous pressure of bearly being able to make ends meet. As a fiscal conservative, I am not in favor of taking more of our citizens’ money,” Scott said. “So, I’d love to see our legislators work together to improve the bill. And if I have to order them to stay in session all summer, I’m willing to do that.”

Feeling a sense of Déjà vu? That is because this is not the first time a bill like this has been proposed. Just one year ago, the following article appeared in the VDC:

One notable bill not surviving crossover this week was H.181181 which would have raised taxes to pay for deer literacy. 

“We simply do not have enough bucks to justify and pay for this ludicrosity,” said Rep. Tina Confetti (R) of Barre.

In response to her comment, Senator Philup Barff (P-Chittenden), countered, “We will raise the doe through increased taxes.”

Vermont’s deer population’s literacy rate has actually fallen behind Mississippi, the state which has historically been regarded as the nation’s academic low bar.

A recent wildlife study, costing taxpayers $10 million, revealed that large numbers of deer are being struck by cars, even in close proximity to deer crossing signs.

Rep. Sheila Nucklehead (D) from East Brainless, who sponsored the bill, said,

“Our education system has done a great disservice to Vermont’s deer population through its failure to teach them how to read deer crossing signs. What’s the point of placing all these signs along our roads and highways if the deer don’t know their designated crossing areas simply because they can’t read the signs?”

Another similar bill has been sponsored in the senate to include moose and other animals in its literacy programs. 

“For example, we have all these ‘Wildlife Corridor’ signs posted around the state, but if the skunks, foxes, raccoons, possums, and woodchucks aren’t aware of these signs designed for their benefit and protection, they will continue to attempt these dangerous crossings. Most don’t survive crossover,” said Sen. Kevin Nuthatch (P-Chittenden).

“And if moose literacy is not drastically improved here in Vermont, how will moose be able to heed the ‘Moose: Stay Alert’ signs and avoid these very preventable collisions with motor vehicles?” Nuthatch said.

One solution being proposed is to hire a team of one hundred new wildlife biologists, at taxpayer expense, to round up the entire Vermont moose herd and tag each moose with a chip similar to the electronics used on car dashboards which informs drivers that it’s time to take a break and find the nearest coffee shop. A photoelectric element in these chips will be activated, prompting moose to read the “Moose Stay Alert” signs. 

V-Trans, in conjunction with ANR and the Department of Fish and Wildlife, is optimistic that this technology will greatly reduce the number of moose fatalities on Vermonts highways. The price tag is estimated to be $14.6 billion, further taxing an already morbidly obese budget.

In 2018, Vermont spent $1.2 million to have VTrans build a huge underground wildlife crossing culvert—dubbed “The Underground Highway”—under I-89 in Bolton. Since then, it has been virtually unused by the animals. Scientists determined that wildlife simply chose other, and, unfortunately, much more dangerous, areas to cross the highways. Every legislator polled by VDC to explain why the massive project was such an abysmal failure, replied, “It seemed like such a cool and compassionate idea, but we never really thought much about it.”

Another bill, sponsored by Sen. Rich West-Eastman (R-Lamoille) which never made it out of the Senate Transportation Committee, was one which would provide state funding for driver’s education programs for bears. This was prompted by a large number of his constituents informing him that several bears had been learning to break into cars and trucks in Stowe. A few had even been spotted trying to place orders at the McDonald’s drive-thru window in stolen vehicles.

West-Eastman elaborated on his reason for advocating for the bill:

“Look, we know the bears are going to drive anyway—‘bears will be bears’—so we might as well develop state-funded driver’s ed curricula so at least they are learning the proper skills to ensure that they and other motorists are safe on Vermont’s roads and highways.” 

The bill narrowly missed crossover by just one vote. 

Joey Avocadoes is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.