By Peter Fernandez

Imagine a national publication in 2015 uncovers an essay penned decades ago by a conservative male Republican candidate for the White House. 

The essay, published in an alternative Vermont newspaper, graphically describes a woman fantasizing about being gang-raped. The candidate also describes men forcing females into acts of sexual depravity. 

Imagine The National Organization for Women launching a massive media frenzy prescribing chemical castration and the candidate’s immediate dismissal from the election. But the diplomatic deviant insists he was only commenting on the socio-psychological dynamics behind normalized gender roles.

  President Obama, Michael Moore, the Cuomo Bros., Whoopee Goldberg Rosie McDonald, and The Marvel Hero Universe join the protest. “This man and this incident are endemic of the Republican Party’s hypocrisy and disdain for women, their rights, and gender inclusion.” The President tells the world that this revolting pornography has spread the epidemic of sexual assault onto American campuses, as well as to student interns inside White House bathrooms and closets.

This erotic essay is for real, but the author was not Republican; he was a Socialist-Democrat.  The celebrated author, Bernie Sanders, received little, if any, flack from the media, or his own party when this muffled news incident occurred back in 2015. Gushing late-night talk show hosts Jimmies Kimmel and Falon laughingly kidded and soothed the adorable Marquis DeSanders regarding his Essay Le Erotica. 

 In 1972, when Sanders was 30, his pornographic piece was published by an alternative newspaper, The Vermont Freeman. This was after he studied psychology at Brooklyn College, and sold his soul to Hillary’s hip hero, Marxist Prof. Saul Alinsky, at the University of Chicago. It wouldn’t be long before the lonesome high school distance runner would be Mayor of Burlington in 1981.

  “A man goes home,” begins Sander’s “essay,” A Man and Woman, “and masturbates his typical fantasy. A woman on her knees. A woman tied up. A woman abused. A woman enjoys intercourse with her man – as she fantasizes being raped by three men simultaneously.”

 His fiction wasn’t exposed by a right-leaning investigative journalist, but reprinted in 2015 by Mother Jones, a “progressive-socialist” magazine.  Malevolent Mother Jones and Sexy Sadie Sanders see this “experimental” text, of course, as bravely penned intellectual commentary on western capitalist gender roles.

 “Many women seem to be walking a tightrope,” our sleazy senator hypothesizes, as their “qualities of love, openness, and gentleness were too deeply enmeshed with qualities of dependency, subservience, and masochism. The man and woman get dressed up on Sunday — and go to Church, or maybe to their “revolutionary” political meeting.” Oooh, see what Comrade Sanders did there?

  The Sanders’ campaign quickly attempted to distance itself from the pornography, as campaign spokesman, Michael Briggs, called the essay a “dumb attempt at dark satire in an alternative publication.” In an interview with CNN, he noted that it “in no way reflects his (the Communist candidate’s) views or record on women. It was intended to attack gender stereotypes of the ’70s, but it looks as stupid today as it was then.”

 One can divine divergent conclusions to Bernie Porn. Perhaps he was writing about liberating people from harmful Judeo-Christian bourgeois gender norms but seems only to imply that all men fantasize about raping women and that all women fantasize about being raped. No, but hip left-wingers, who look down their noses at conservative values, do. Or perhaps Bernie was simply projecting his own deep-seated Freudian visions of unrequited lust.

In May of 2015, Sanders appeared on The Seth Meyers Show, regretting only that his essay was a “poorly written Fifty Shades of Grey.” “Considering the success of the Fifty Shades of Grey books,” asked Meyers, ‘do you regret that you did not follow that path more and not do this politics thing? You could be rolling in cash right now!’”

 Sanders, today, a millionaire with three homes, welcomed the fawning southpaw’s lofted softball pitch. “No, it was bad fiction. I learned my lesson. I think I could make a good president, but I write fiction pretty poorly.”

The adoring metrosexual audience applauded Bad Boy Bernie. Gosh, how it reminds me of that iconic bar-room scene in 1957’s The Wild One. Johnny, the motorcycle hoodlum chieftain, portrayed by Marlon Brando, when asked what he’s rebelling against, the hedonistic punk hisses, “Whattya got?” 

The author is a Northfield resident.