by Johnny Bananas

Recently, one of your fellow readers sent me this letter. Since I cannot think of anything else for my column today, I suppose it will have to do.

Dear Johnny,

I am writing to seek help with my dog who has been revealing himself to be a bigoted, racist, transphobic, bully, and I don’t know what to do. 

For starters, he barks at all of the neighbors as they walk by our property with their dogs. I sat him down and explained to him (using my soft-tone voice) that it’s not okay to bark at the neighbors and their dogs as they walk by our house minding their own business. It’s bullying and unkind and they clearly are intimidated.  

He told me this is normal behavior for a Doberman, that he’s a guard dog and it’s part of his breed  – he can’t help it, which I told him is just a cop-out.  We can all change our behaviors, we can even change our identities.  He asked what I meant by that and I told him he could choose not to be a Doberman if he wanted. I offered him an eager look so as to give him permission and explained he could identify as a Pomeranian or even a cat! He cocked his head and stared blankly reminding me so much of Tucker Carlson, I almost lost it! 

 “Why would I want to do that?” he asked.   

I said, “Because maybe on the inside you feel like a cat or a Pomeranian and you need to embrace those feelings and not be afraid to explore other identities.”   

“But I’m a Doberman,” he insisted. “Cats are stupid and I’d almost rather be a cat than a Pomeranian”.   I was heart-broken to hear him say these bigoted and transphobic remarks but he’s my dog and I can’t just have him canceled. We took a timeout and I offered to take him through a guided breathing exercise I learned from my mindfulness class. He insisted on playing with his rope toy, shaking it like a rag doll, but first had to demonstrably lick himself, which was such a micro-aggression I started to have an anxiety attack.  

After I rubbed some calming CBD oil on my temples and wrists I again tried to explain myself.  I pointed out that when he barks at the neighbors in that manner it not only intimidates them but hurts the movement motioning to our Black Lives Matter yard sign (obviously next to the “I Stand With Ukraine” sign where we used to have our Biden/Build Back Better 2020 sign that I just couldn’t keep up after gas hit $8/gallon because our neighbor who drives a tractor-trailer stares at me like he’s going to roll it right over my tiny house), while reminding him that he’s black.  

“Yeah, but I’m not a Marxist.  Marx was a racist, bigoted idiot who understood neither human nature nor economics.” This is the downside of getting a breed as smart as a Doberman because I looked into it and, honestly, he’s right about both. I couldn’t just let him win like that so I called him a Nazi and threatened to have him sent to a rescue program. I don’t want to have to do that because he’s bold and beautiful and looks amazing sitting on my lawn, but he’s also a transphobic, racist bigot. Johnny, what should I do?  Signed, Woken-Hearted

Dear Woken-Hearted, 

You sound like a cat person, maybe gerbils. Send him to the rescue. You’ll both be better off. Signed, Johnny B. (P.s. Please send pics.  I’ve always wanted a Doberman.) 

Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.