by Johnny Bananas

Achieving the impossible Donald Trump becomes only the second and a half president to win three elections in a row and did so amidst the rapture of an estimated thirteen to twenty million American citizens.  

Social media was awash with conspiracy theories surrounding the events as the beleaguered golf course owner gave his acceptance speech to become the forty-seventh president of the United States.  Despite being told by the media we were seeing record turnouts from around the country and expecting a similar result to the landslide win enjoyed by a gamey Joe Biden in 2020, the final result saw the Orange crusher gallop to both electoral and popular vote wins by comfortable margins.  

As of this morning the electoral college tally has Trump at 312 to Harris’ 226 which only proves what Democrats had been saying all along – that Trump is a misogynist.  Adding insult to injury many in the media are grappling with the reality that the Democrat party appears to be incredibly sexist as votes for Hillary Clinton tipped the scales at 65,853,514 in 2016 with Harris grossing 67,958,303 despite Joe Biden receiving 81,283,501.  In man-splaining terms, that means Democrats produced nearly 15 million more votes for the old white male instead of the colored lady.  Weird. 

A deeper look into the numbers show, despite a global pandemic that had Trump sitting over the death of millions of would be voters, an enormous wave of activity occurred in 2020 with the country seeing 158,429,631 votes cast compared to 136,669,276 in 2016 and again only 140 million showing up to the polls in 2024.  Luckily several of the swinger states like California and Michigan allowed posthumous participation which appears to explain the discrepancy in part, however many disgruntled voters who ridiculed election deniers in 2020 are faced with the question of yet another steal.  

The only reasonable conclusion anyone can come to, given the signs of the times, is that the rapture has occurred and Jesus is in fact a Democrat.  This would explain the roughly 15 million missing voters who, despite being warned repeatedly of the “existential crisis” facing them in another Trump administration, and being urged to vote by really important Americans like Cardi B and Will Ferrell, have simply vanished.

Despite the loss of both the election and so many of their comrades Democrats are taking it better than expected with only a few hundred of them calling for the assassination of Donald Trump.  Though two attempts on his life have already been made the astrology experts in the party are convinced the third time is the charm.  However rapturists, speaking on behalf of the Almighty, explain the fact that Trump was spared in both previous attempts proves that not even God is ready for Donald Trump to get in to Heaven.  

A grief-stricken Alexander Ocassional-Cortex took to social media to express her visceral concern she will soon be put into the internment camps she asked to be set up for Trump supporters back in 2020.  With only a few months remaining in office she is asking the Biden administration to install the wi-fi and Starbucks left out of the original plans.  

One other theory explaining the disappearance of so many Democrats is that Climate Change is acting in its own defense by reducing the carbon footprint of those who expelled several billion metric tons trying to convince everyone of its reality.