by Johnny Bananas

Atlanta, Georgia is not only home to CNN, the CDC headquarters and human trafficking, but it will be hosting the first ever Crisis Actors Academy Awards this month.  

After another year of lackluster participation from actual terrorists, school shooters, mass demonstrators, a recalcitrant climate and general public-will to create crises, the Federal Association of Kinetic Entertainment (FAKE) is set to honor the greatest performances from the quickly growing cottage-cheese industry of crisis acting.  

What is crisis acting?  In a world needing to be constantly prepared for the next false flag or staged tragedy the rise of the crisis acting firms, such as Crisis Cast, provide high level lived experiences so real you’ll think you’re watching a movie.  Using state of the art Hollywood level productions replete with casts, crews, scripts and special effects these teams of high-level fakers can create the most stunningly realistic scenarios having the viewers, and even some participants, feeling like the blood is actually on their hands.  

Who uses these services?  Anyone needing a crisis or anticipating a crisis to justify their massive budget and authority and need to keep people in a constant state of terror so they can be easily manipulated.  Does your town need a school shooting?  Maybe climate alarmism isn’t quite catching on in your quiet Midwestern county?  Slow news days have you worried the local station might get shut down?  You’re just one well-oiled faux-calamity production away from putting you back in the driver seat of political persuasion. 

Some critics of the crisis acting industry express concerns these tools could be used in the wrong hands to mislead the public into thinking actual children were shot when in fact it was just acting!  A group of concerned home school mom’s has formed a group called Ladies Institute Against Reality Scenarios (LIARS) intent on exposing this dangerous trend.  Founder Sandy Hooksett says “If my child is going to be shot I want it to be real, not some after school performance that scares me half to death and makes me late to Yogalates”.  Who can argue with that? 

For the aspiring crisis actor who has yet to hone their chops there are plenty of free opportunities to get oneself into minor leagues of social legerdemain by getting into some Beautiful Trouble.  Here you can team up with other pretend people by choosing from a variety of causes to crisis about.  Not sure you want to pay for that smart phone?  Yomango gives you license to lift while pretending you’re lifting others out of poverty.  Are you rich and lazy but still want to give that rebel yell?  Banner hanging a sign in your yard about people you’d never live next to mattering is a great way to dip your toe into the critical sea of change.  Anyone can act, which is the point, because all the world is a stage and if you want to get some of the limelight you need to steal it from the next guy.  As Keith Richard’s grandson sang – you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need. 

“Never let a crisis go to waste” are the words famously spoken by current President Obama’s former Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel, and with the budget’s these companies are spending we can see why.  The average cost of a mass shooting scenario can run up into the hundreds of thousands of dollars when you factor in police uniforms, unmarked vehicles, helicopter sounds, blank rounds, special effects, script writers, and the nearly 200 available cast members on retainer including media personalities.  

Thanks to the real world results of these massive frauds the industry is finally recognizing its talent with the coveted Fony Award which looks identical to an Oscar yet is a cheap imitation. Genius.  

Here are some of the categories: 

Best Heart Broken Parent of a School Shooting Victim 

Best Medical Examiner

Best Strange Neighbor Man Who Likes Dolls 

Best Doctor Warning During A Pandemic

Best Writing of an Obituary

Best Writing for International Terrorist Attack 

Best Make-up for a Foreign Crisis

Best Insurrection Ensemble

Best Tax-payer Funded Crisis Acting Program  

Best Diversity, Equity and Inclusion Mass Shooting (*strong language warning*) 

Best Ensemble In A Series of Crisis  

Best Female Lead in Ukraine-Russia War  

Best Police Chief In A Series 

Best Whistleblower Who Gets Martyred  

Most Realistic Call for Gun Control Following A Mass Shooting 

Best Animated Wounded Guy 

Best Impassioned Speech Following A Shooting 

Hosting the award show will be long time crisis actor and host of CNN’s Anderson Cooper 360 who will also be giving a life-time achievement award to Nayirah for her role in starting war with Iraq.

Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.