After waiting nearly an hour beyond the scheduled time for lift off so some of the crew members could finish getting ready for their big date with the sky, the team at Blue Horizon made herstory this past week by having an all-female crew pierce the atmosphere to become only the third such gynocentric space mission since the Russians sent some broad into space back when they were still practicing communism and Raylene was taking a smoke break near the Amerigas display.  

The group of ballistic Barbies included former NASA rocket scientist Aisha Bowe, bioastronautics scientist and civil rights activist Amanda Nguyen (pronounced “win”), film producer Kerianne Flynn, journalist Lauren Sanchez, Oprah’s bestie Gayle King and everybody’s favorite American idolatress Katy Perry.  Not only were they the first all-female crew to brave the outer limits they were also the first group of space travelers who were not astronauts.  Who cares. 

Jeff Bezos has a few billion burning a hole in his pocket so what better way to spend some of it than by burning a hole in the ozone layer.  Critics of the historic event are quick to point out the collective damage to the earth’s environment caused by the rocket’s residual water vapor is, like most women, unwelcome in the earth’s stratosphere.  Doctors in California have also associated water vapor as a possible cause of ovarian cancer, yet if we’re ever going to change the climate surrounding the galaxy’s history of misogyny we’re going to have to cook a few eggs, right ladies? 

Following the “three, two, one” countdown the earth shattering sound of the rocket’s engines sang back-up vocals to Mrs. Perry who could be heard belting out her hit “Baby you’re a fi-re-work!” as the ironically male shaped rocket escorted the feminators toward destiny.  Mere moments later one of the crew asked if they could go back because she forgot to pack her toothbrush and she didn’t want anything in her teeth for her selfie in front of Venus, for obvious reasons. 

Given none of the women comprising the crew were trained astronauts and the space mission was slated to last slightly longer than Rachel Levine’s last visit to the gynecologist the murmurs from the ground questioned the validity of the claim to historicity.  Not only does one need proper astro-aeor-nautical training to assume the title astronaut, at the very least NASA expects one to pass the 50 miles above the earth threshold or the Karman Line in order to receive their wings.  The Karman Line is estimated at around the 62 mile mark and comes just before the Karpman Drama Triangle which women are discouraged from entering in space since they already have too much exposure to it back on Earth.  Responding to doubts about their feat Perry bragged they were “going to put the a_s in astronaut” (sic) which was rebutted by fellow female traveler Shannon Paulus as “more likely putting the a-s in passenger”.  

The mostly male members of ground control agreed by reminding the women during the rigorous two-days of preliminary training not to touch any of the controls especially the steering wheel while holding an uncomfortably long gaze at Amanda Nguyen who has already filed suit in civil court for “excessive and abusive mansplaining and probably racism”.   Her attorneys have requested the case be held via zoom out of an abundance of caution the plaintiff would not be emotionally prepared to drive to court during the morning rush.  

Once achieving low altitude earth orbit the ladies experienced what all women ultimately desire, absolute weightlessness.  Upon hearing this the women of the globe immediately overloaded Blue Horizon’s application page to be the next crew of hopefuls, even with the required $150,000 deposit toward a ticket priced slightly above the VIP section at a Katy Perry concert.  To celebrate achieving record weight-loss the women agreed they should stop by the International Space Station for some Starbucks’s and shop for some space souvenirs. 

Sightseeing was also on the short list of things to do while traversing the sky.  After posing for several pictures with the pink moon in the background Sanchez asked everyone to locate the Milky Way because her mind was blown they named it after her favorite candy bar.  

Also pursuing a celestial body named after a candy bar, Elon Musk was asked about his company’s mission to Mars.  Musk, no stranger to controversy, reminded reporters “women are from Venus, men are from Mars” as he smiled in front of images of the Martian planet’s terra firma recently filmed from the cockpit of one of his space explorers.  Researchers currently see Mars as the more viable planet for potential colonization as Venus’s atmosphere is “chaotic and inhospitable” much like fourth wave feminism.  

Curious as to how women on the ground felt about this spectacle Bananas Media reached out to Vermonters to gauge their feelings on this achievement for women.  Suzette Sweeney of Manchester, Vermont was thoroughly unimpressed by the glitter-fest masquerading as space exploration citing it as little more than a “hot air balloon ride without the balloon”.  

“Feminism aint progressed since my Aunt Marge wrestled a bear off her front porch with nothing but a broom and some WD-40”, claimed Poultney’s Traylor Hatch.  Marge still deals the weekly poker game at the local Elk’s Lodge despite being down to one arm following the incident.  

Over in California the response was decidedly different.  Khloe Kardashian was surprised she got emotional, which came as no surprise to everyone else.  Her ex-brother-in-law Kanye West is encouraging her to make the trip as are most men from generation Z wishing today’s women would launch themselves into space for a while.  

Upon landing the women each took turns kneeling and kissing the ground after the harrowing eleven minutes closer to a black hole than they’ve been since they left Hollywood.  Reflecting on her time looking down at the people of Earth, just from outer space this time, Jeff Bezos’ main squeeze and philanthropist Sanchez bikini-waxed philosophical – “You look at this, and you’re like, ‘we’re all in this together’, you know?” Sure we are.  Just some of us are in this with botox lips and billionaire boyfriends and the rest of us are wondering if their company is going to refund us the money for the cheap Chinese knock-off we were sent instead of what we actually ordered.  

Perry closed out the interview by telling everyone she feels “super connected to love” which will also be the first song released from her upcoming album “Space Cadet”. 

Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.