by Johnny Bananas

Santa Claus has come under fire thanks to a small band of elves who were recently hired per the North Pole’s new Diversity, Equity and Inclusion policy.  

For years the Pole has operated seamlessly thanks to the tremendous work ethic of Santa’s elves.  Long respected for their tireless twenty-four hour shifts, commitment to near perfect assembly standards and creating a cheerful workplace atmosphere with low wages based around the elves simple diet of candy, candy canes, candy corn and syrup, Santa’s workshop has fallen to turmoil of late.  

This past year has seen a stunning influx of migrant elves who have been flooding across the border in record numbers.  At first the new source of labor was a welcome site given the high output standards and rising need for toys and gifts world-wide.  However many of the new laborers brought with them new ways of thinking that are proving a disruption with some threatening to start the Pole’s first ever workers strike if their demands are not met. 

Claiming unfair labor practices, a non-living wage, sexual harassment and even a few cases of elvish racism a small cadre of unusually noisy and disgruntled elves have formed a committee looking to make systemic changes to the world’s jolliest manufacturing plant. The Global Resistance International Network and Community Headquarters (G.R.I.N.C.H.) recently announced they intend to bring lawsuits against Santa and several of his head elves. 

“Santa is the emblem of the Northern Arctic patriarchy and it’s time he paid reparations” stated the group’s leader Malcolm Jamaal Jellybelly .  Standing behind Mr. Jellybelly as he made this announcement were the other plaintiffs in the matter all wearing masks and some holding signs saying such things as “White Christmas Is Racist!” and “Don’t Say Jolly!” 

A stunned Santa and Mrs. Claus gazed down from their second story window in utter dismay.  Banana’s Media was able to catch up with the famous toy merchant who had this to say. 

“I just don’t understand it.  I’ve been making and delivering toys to all the good girls and boys for over a thousand years.  My elves have always been the happiest creatures on earth.  Mrs. Claus and I believe in giving opportunities to everyone but we never imagined elves could be this grumpy and thankless!”  A sock-knitting Mrs. Claus could be seen shaking her head in silent agreement as the portly cheer-giver continued. “I’ve never once discriminated against my elves or my reindeer.”

Santa went on to explain he was more than happy to have the new help but noticed they didn’t all seem like genuine elves committed to the Christmas Spirit.  Many of the elves claimed to be seeking asylum from the atrocities that had taken place at the South Pole where they say global warming caused the polar cap to melt and with it washed away their jobs.  Bananas Research team fact-checked this claim and found it to be “totally false” with the eastern peninsula ice sheet growing significantly in the 21^st century. 

“Those little people…l-l-l-lied?” a broken-hearted Santa asked.  After we showed him the facts Santa began to pace around the Jovial Office muttering.  He could be overheard saying “If they lied about that what else did they lie about?” 

Among the many reports we came across was talk of “nice privilege”.  Nice privilege we learned is enjoyed by children who are deemed nice by Santa who sees what all children are doing awake or asleep.  Despite the implicit creepiness of this claim Santa has long been considered a fair arbiter of nice versus naughty behavior in children.  Since the arrival of the new elves an uproar among the younger elves has emerged claiming Santa is implicitly biased toward niceness.  

“Of course I am!” bellowed a dumbfounded Santa, who reminded everyone if he went by the naughty list only crack-heads, criminals and politicians would get gifts.  

Another wild claim we were confronted with was Santa’s apparent racism and insensitivity toward people of color.  A Youtube video had been circulating in which Santa appears to be in black-face while singing “I’m dreaming of a whiiite Christ-maaas!”  Santa maintains it was not on purpose and the result of sliding down millions of chimneys in one night leaving his face covered in soot.  As a result, for the first time in Christmas history, Santa will be facing charges of breaking and entering brought by a D.A. from the Southern District of New York. 

“Why Christmas gotta be white?!” asked a bitter little brown skinned elf named Darjarius Crinklejeans.  

“Look around Darjarius – do you notice anything?” retorted one elf who has been outspoken against the changing elf-culture.  “Snow is white you ninny muggins.  White is about the snow.  Have you ever seen black snow?  It’s not a song about race – it’s about the joy of Christmas and winter wonderlands – for the love of Peter Pan quit making everything about race Darjarius!” 

Also adding to the Christmas chaos is the sudden desire of younger elves wanting to identify as reindeer or even humans.  One suspicious elf parent blames the new children’s books they’ve been printing.  “Have you seen what’s in some of these?  They’re putting them in children’s schools! How can any human being NOT be on the naughty list at this point?” 

Another matter of controversy involved the reindeer.  Several of the team were still in shock after Dancer and Prancer both came out as gay and Vixen said he wants to be a drag queen.  Despite catching many of the other reindeer by surprise, Donner and Blitzen both claimed to have known for years.  “Prancer?  Seriously?  You didn’t see that coming?” They also say they’d seen Vixen sneaking out of Mrs. Claus’ closet on more than one occasion wearing her clothes with a hooffull of children’s books.  

Rudolph once famous for saving Christmas with his shiny red-nose has taken a nose-dive since the Pole has gone sideways.  He recently checked in to a rehab facility after turning to alcohol and other substances as a way of coping with the many changes in his once innocent frozen playground.  

Also upset by the changes are elves who came to Santa’s workshop legally a while back.  A spokesman for the group explained “We had to wait ten years before Santa recognized us as Citizen Elves of the North Pole” explained a frustrated Juan Gringobells.  “We had to learn all the words to Here Comes Santa Claus and Winter Wonderland and recite the names of the reindeer from memory, including the fruity ones.  I wish we could go back to when Santa would just pick us up for the day from Gnome Depot.” 

Strangely silent since the changes began is Santa’s only neighbor at the pole, Karl Grinch, who extended his record yet again this year for most time spent on the naughty list.  

Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.