by Johnny Bananas
Over one hundred and twenty colleges and universities across the United States and the world saw the planning of spontaneous protests this past month and with it the staunch capitalists at NCAA headquarters seized the opportunity to form a new sports league. The league will be named the Collegiate Radical Interscholastic Protest League (CRIPL) and will be the first ever truly trans-ed sports team endeavor by the NCAA.
Inspired by the tremendous athleticism on display by many of the protestors NCAA officials, anticipating these protests to occur regularly every four years like the Olympics and presidential elections, anticipate three seasons of preparatory play with a national championship held quadrannually.
Early favorites among the schools clearly shows an edge to the Ivy League institutions, who have been falling of late in the rankings as preferred destinations by high school students concerned about employment after college. Early odds favor Columbia, UPenn and Dartmouth as having the talent to go the distance while on the west coast UCLA has emerged after weeks of high level civil unrest.
Boston’s Emory Board University, famed for its Cosmetology Ph.D. program, has already hit the ground marching meeting on the greens outside the quad for daily-singles. These dedicated student athletes are up at the crack-of-noon in order to hone their skills and take their game to the next level.
Questions about funding the teams and the league have many concerned other programs will need to be cut however sizeable donations have already been offered to create a trust fund from which the schools will get equal compensation across the board so as to create a perfectly fair and socially equitable pay scale disallowing advantages given to larger programs. However some students anticipating a career as professional protestors argue their future hopes and dreams should not be limited.
“I’ve been protesting since I was a little kid, so I’ve always known this was my passion. I never imagined I would have the opportunity to do it for a living” states Yale freshman Uriah Goldenspoon. Goldenspoon’s parents tell Bananas Media he was a uniquely anti-authoritarian child despite being given virtually anything and everything a child could want. Mrs. Goldenspoon recalls one summer vacation when Uriah refused to get on the plane to Cancun after throwing a stage five tantrum in the jetway upon learning he would not be flying coach with the rest of the patrons, many of whom applauded after seeing Uriah buckled into his first class seat.
“We knew pretty early on he was likely to be an insurgent somewhere in the third world when we got a call from his teacher saying he was community organizing the other students to stage a revolt after the school refused to put in electric chargers for tricycles” Mr. Goldenspoon recounted. “We also found a stash of books under his bed when he was eight. First it was Mao’s Little Red Book. Then we found Rules for Radicals and finally Hegel’s Phenomonology of Spirit? I’m forty-eight and I still can hardly make out what those guys were saying. We got him a poster of Brittany Spears in a bathing suit only to have him paste a picture of Che Guevara’s head over hers. It was very concerning.”
Not concerned are Goldman’s non-student coaches who anticipate his ability to break through a police line with a garbage can lid are unparalleled.
“Uriah has serious quick-twitch muscles, he’s very explosive. Since the league won’t let us use actual explosives he’s a game changer. Most of the guys we have out here are severely malnourished vegans who can barely get through the ‘hey-hey ho-ho’ chants, so we’re hoping Uriah doesn’t get picked up in the portal before the championship season. We know the comrades over at Georgetown have been courting him online with an extra-large tent and a fully-financed waterbed.”
Speaking of water beds the SEC has one school, North Georgia State, which will be headed up by a coaching legend. His simple philosophy of “ground and pound” is sure to get the attention of the more finesse driven styles of the other schools.
“I’m here to build character” states the coach who famously has a corner booth at Beef O’Brady’s where he needs help opening the door due to the number of championship rings he wears on his turning hand.
Rivals Alabama State School for the Legally Blonde have asked his coaching nemesis to captain their squad however they were turned down as no self-respecting southerner would be caught dead at a college protest. ‘Merica!
Many of the teams were concerned about mascots, of course, so the race for inoffensive team names was a heated one.
The NCAA pre-season top ten rankings are:
- UCLA Street Rats
- Columbia Counter-Insurgents
- U Penn Pennophiles
- Dartmouth Big Green New Dealers
- North Georgia State Notaries
- Cal-Berkeley Commissars
- Portland State Queers
- Evergreen State Sociopaths
- University of Chicago Community Organizers
- (tie) University of Delaware Dispensers
- (tie) University of Texas Tackling Trannies
Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.
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Categories: Satire
Did someone read this and was like, “oh liberals will be so triggered.” I can’t find the joke, satire or point of this. (other than self-respecting Southerner, that was a great oxymoron)
The only thing Johnny knows about teams is that he was always picked last for them. Wank!
Not being able to find a joke or satire is an early warning sign for not having a sense of humor, which is becoming more common here in Vermont. Other symptoms include thin-skin irritation, swelling of the head, numbness in the skull, and delusions of grandeur. If you continue to have any of these symptoms you should seek help immediately.