by Johnny  Bananas

The shocking news of yet another fire in California has been overshadowing the Cinderella story of the City of Angels slowly turning into the Isle of Lesbos.  Were it not for the massive conflagration the country would not have learned about the humongous achievement of local first responders setting aside their personal safety in favor of doing the right thing – hiring lesbians to run the fire department.  

California, aside from leading the nation in wildfire acreage per annum and releasing pedophiles into the wild to roam the countryside, set its sights on leading the country down the road of diversity, equity and inclusion (DEI).  What that means for fighting fires is less alpha white males with the propensity to face danger and more alpha white lesbians with the gift of girl power.  Slay sisters!

Kristin Crowley, a Harvard alum, managed to work her way up the ladder from firefighter/paramedic all the way to fire chief in a city littered with both men and highly flammable litter.  After being promoted to the city’s top pyro-technician, where she makes a cool $439,722 per year in a state known for its wildfires, she trained her steely gaze on the task at hand – “maintaining firefighters’ safety, health and overall well-being”, as she planned to promote a “work environment that is free of harassment, discrimination and hazing“.  Crowley noted the importance of citizens being able to identify with their rescuers illustrating the potential trauma of a non-binary metrosexual latinx surrounded by flames seeing a large white man with an axe in fire-fighters outfit coming to save they/them.  Harvard, known for its elite homosexual fire safety program, also teaches a course in lesbian logic, which means black people should save black people and Asians should save Asians to heal the country from years of racism, of course. 

Crowley’s scissor sister and number two in command is Kristina Kepner.  Kepner is the first lesbian Assistant Chief for LAFD and also an Ivy League product boasting a salary of $246,468 which should have her degree from Harvard’s Kennedy School for Managing Diverse Organizations paid off by 2050.  One can only assume the number of lesbians in Los Angeles who need rescuing from other lesbians in case of an emergency warrants the top two spots in the LAFD being held down by two white lesbians from Harvard with nearly identical names and uniforms, because diversity.  Also of note, despite the apparent frustrations of second and third degree burned locals at lesbians replacing white males, Kepner’s record includes domestic assault of her girlfriend which proves she’s as capable as any man. 

Rounding out the power boxes we meet Kristine Larson – LAFD’s first lesbian Equity Bureau Chief who is raking in a cool $399,000 salary after years of accusing the LAFD of being racist and sexist.  

As of yesterday calls for California Governor Gavin Newsom to resign have rained down like eucalyptus ashes from the Hollywood Hills.  Critics say this is the last in a series of epic failures under Newsom’s leadership citing the record increase in homelessness, theft, illegal immigrants, business leaving the state and record departure of families and individuals.  But who’s counting? 

In his defense, Newsom reminded his haters that climate change is the real culprit and fighting fires is dangerous for all people-kind.  Thus no one is better suited for tackling hot bushes and erratic storms than lesbians.  No point arguing that. 

Also pulling down a victory were the psychic lesbians running the State Farm Insurance department who cancelled most of the fire insurance policies for homes in the greater Los Angeles area.  Just months prior to the devastation most of the fire insurers cited California’s statute which would potentially bankrupt insurers as the reason for the cancellations.  Actuaries reasoned the lack of water, highly unkempt and flammable forestry and fire departments run by lesbians would no doubt lead to a historical incident unlike any seen since The Great Chicago Fire. 

Though no doubt someone at State Farm deserves to get Luigi Mangione’d over this, they weren’t wrong.  In fact the fire in L.A. is by both size and total cost of the devastation a new record for lesbians.  Congratulations ladies! 

Speaking of congratulations, the LAFD has been named the winner of the first annual Mrs. O’Leary Award given to the unwitting culprit of the nation’s largest city fire.  The award is appropriately a golden cow that was to be given to the Mayor of Los Angeles Karen Bass who unfortunately was unable to attend the ceremony as she was visiting Ghana while her city burned.