Commentary

Bananas: how to know you’re a useful idiot

by Johnny Bananas

Most people don’t set out to be idiots. By its very nature idiocy is wrought mostly of dumb luck. Hence the term. 

Fake news reporter Johnny Bananas

Idiots are typically the butt of many jokes, the involuntary black sheep in social circles, often with little or no redeemable qualities other than the humor they provide their jeering fans. 

Thanks to the theory of idiotic evolution we know idiots can morph from lower idiot forms to more advanced. Simple idiots like the kid in A Christmas Story who gets his tongue stuck on the frozen flag pole can evolve to become a supreme idiot who may one day even win the coveted Darwin Award. 

The days of the hopeless nose-picking navel gazers is quickly being replaced by super self-flaggelating rhinoplasticiennes who have found many surprising ways to save face by smiting their noses.  If you’re down on yourself because you’re a run of the mill old-fashioned American idiot, don’t be.  You could be the next Billy Joe Armstrong, who will even kill babies and renounce citizenry in the country that made him a multi-millionaire to be a full blown global idiot rather than confine his idiocy to a continent stupid enough to let him live there and take their money.  Talk about useful!

The list of famous idiots extends all the way back to Adam who was dumb enough to listen to his idiot wife Eve who ruined vegetarianism for the rest of us. Other famous idiots includes all four of the Three Stooges (stooge is Pig Latino for idiot), the lovable idiot Lucille Ball, the transracial idiot Navin Johnson who didn’t know that being transracial is even more impossible than being transgender, and perhaps most famously Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne who epitomize being idiotic and idioticker. 

So if you’re dumb enough to think Jeffrey Epstein killed himself but smart enough to keep your mouth shut about it lest you get Arkancided, you have a serious future as a useful idiot!  Take this Bananas Inc. quiz to see where you rank among today’s field of ingenuous imbeciles.  (Score 1 point for every “yes” answer and 5 points for answering “yes” to the bonus question. )

  1. Were you excited to drink from your first paper straw out of a plastic cup? (Score 1 bonus point if you drive a car to recycle. Subtract 1 point if you are eating McDonald’s in your truck while taking this quiz.)
  1. Do you watch “The View” for its diversity of opinions? (Score 1 bonus point if you can name all five hostesses. Subtract 1 point if you don’t know Whoopie from Sonny from Joy.)
  1. Does your degree have the word “environmental” or “gender” in it?  (Score 1 bonus point if your degree is in Environmental Gender Studies.  Subtract 1 point if you went to a trade school.)
  1. Are you surprised by the popularity of the transgender movement but still believe Michele Obama is a woman? (Score 1 bonus point if you can’t define woman.  Subtract 1 point if you can but are not a biologist.)
  1. Do you believe the president can’t influence gas prices and paying more at the pump is doing your part to fight climate change? (Score 1 bonus point if you are taking this quiz within 10 feet of either a compost bin or solar panel.  Subtract 1 point if you look forward to global warming.)
  1. Do you believe the Federal Reserve is a government bank that’s chartered to protect your dollars? (Score 1 bonus point if you “protected” your portfolio by investing in crypto-currency. Subtract 1 point if you know what Annuit Coeptis Norvus Ordo Seclorum means.)
  1. Do you laugh at people of faith who worship a “sky daddy” while agreeing with Richard Dawkins theory of trans-spermia which teaches the earth was accidentally given life by an alien asteroid? (Score 1 point if you have ever been abducted.  Subtract 1 point if you know which state Area 51 is in.)
  1. Do you believe teachers are underappreciated and underpaid despite American students becoming illiterate in record numbers? (Score 1 bonus point if you went to public school but didn’t graduate.  Subtract 1 point if you were home schooled.)
  1. Do you believe criminals will stop shooting people if we “take away all the guns”? (Score 1 bonus point if you know the lyrics to “Imagine” by John Lennon.  Subtract 1 point if you know the difference between a 30.06 and an AR-15.) 
  1. Do you believe you’re a white supremacist because you’re white and other white people said you are? (Score 1 bonus point if you kept notes during your DEI training.  Subtract 1 point if you have ever read a Thomas Sowell book cover to cover. ) 

**SPECIAL BONUS QUESTION WORTH 5 POINTS**

2 + 2 = ? 

  1. 4
  2. 5
  3. 22
  4. A double date

(If you answered B, C, or D you get the BONUS!)

***SUPER SPECIAL DOUBLE BONUS WORTH 10 POINTS***

Give yourself 10 points if you have ever watched an award show, alone, while wearing a mask.  

SCORING: 

25-35 POINTS – You are not just a supremely useful idiot, the government will be contacting you shortly with a job opportunity. 

15-24 POINTS – You are a fully useful idiot who will go on to achieve many idiotic achievements. 

1-14 points – You are still just an idiot, especially for bothering to take this quiz and total your score. 

0 or fewer – The earth’s rotation relies on your levelheaded existence, which will soon go the way of the dinosaurs if you don’t start slapping the crap out of all these idiots. 

Johnny Bananas is a fake news reporter living in Vermont.

Categories: Commentary

3 replies »

  1. I’ve done “useful idiocy”. It might have helped if people had tried more facts and less rhetoric.
    E.g.: I thought that Hamas fired few rockets at Israel. Now I’m aware that it is many, many rockets and “Iron Dome” deflects most of them.

  2. Satire in the Vermont times… outlawed soon by our “usefully idiotic legislators” because… you wrote this.
    SKA_WEE!!!!
    Troof.

  3. Lots of useful idiot voters in Vermont, look what they’ve done to this state. More to come, I’m sure.

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