Satire by Johnny Bananas

Windsor County Senator Becca White is on a crusade to make prostitution great again. She’s managed to convince the local Hartford Area Career and Technology Center to plan for the future by adding a Certified Sex Worker credential to the school’s list of student services.  The school currently offers tracks for automotive, auto body, culinary, cosmetology and STEM fields. However, the lack of progressive pathways to bodily autonomy for students has gotten White and her colleague Senator Alison Clarkson concerned.  

Although the state has yet to officially legalize sex work, the two Windsor County legislators are convinced the bill (S. 125) they’ve co-authored to decriminalize prostitution is merely a formality based off a survey conducted by pro-sex worker activist group the Ishtar Collective, and the soaring popularity of Only Fans accounts among men aged 18-45.  Surveying just over five hundred Vermonters (>.01% of the population) the study concluded an overwhelming majority of Vermont progressives are ready to pay for some action. 

Only Fans found itself yet again in the news when social media influencer Lily Tay announced she’d be going live on her 18^th birthday (just don’t tell her mom!).  She proceeded to break the record for quickest OF creator to earn a million dollars raking taking just over three hours.  Tay’s high school principal and several of her teachers all congratulated her on the success and reminded her via the chat room she took home the title “Most Likely To Become A Sex Worker”.  You see what can happen when you give it your all, kids? 

Critics of the new program cite the current illegality of minors consenting to sex and wonder just how the class work will be modified to keep the school and students from running afoul of the law.  Senator White reminded a roomful of angry parents “the current laws are based on out-dated social mores from over 100 years ago, many of them to keep black men from impregnating white women”.  Scores of white faces nodded in approval of the senator’s history lesson while many others began to nod off reminiscent of being back in school.  “Besides, your daughters could be millionaire’s by their 18^th birthdays!” squealed the gleeful White as she held up a poster-sized photo of a partially clad Lily Tay fanning out hundred dollar bills.  

HACTC Director Erika Schneider has praised the forward thinking senators for looking out for the future of Hartford students whose employment prospects are dwindling thanks to the rise in A.I. and robots entering the work place.  “Here at HACTC we want to offer diverse and inclusive education opportunities that align with our state’s values, and clearly the state values more opportunities for whores to make a decent living.”  After being reminded by the school’s DEI coordinator the preferred nomenclature is no longer “whore” but “sex worker” Director Schneider went on to add “our students may need something to fall back on one day, and what softer way to land on your back than on a mattress?”   

Upon hearing about the new program male enrollment at the Tech Center and their adult programs division quadrupled.  

Also seeing a sharp increase in traffic is the Hartford High School library where Senator White works part-time as the Library Media Technician having recently opened a “History of Adult Entertainment” display in the periodical section.

Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.