by Johnny Bananas

To “beg one’s pardon” is a polite and formal way of asking for forgiveness or apologizing for something. It’s often used when someone wants to express regret or acknowledge that they may have done something wrong, whether intentionally or unintentionally, you know like “Oops, I may have left an ounce of cocaine at your house, Dad” or “I didn’t realize she and her friend were only sixteen, my bad” or “Of course I don’t know anything about energy but that’s not why I’m on the board Yvgeny”.  

The first pardon to be begged took place in 8^th Century B.C. China where it was customary to behead someone for belching at a royal dinner.  Oddly in Japan it was customary to belch after any dinner as a way of complimenting the host, so when the Emperor of Japan sent an envoy to China to discuss a free-trade agreement between the two powers he was chagrined when informed his representatives were to be capitally punished the next week.  Emperor Ryu Fajita (Are-you Fah-hee-ta) sent along another envoy explaining the mix-up to China’s dynastic leader Long Wang Ming with a set of one-of-a-kind ivory chopsticks and collectible gold coins along with the plea begging the pardon of his emissaries. Thus the practice was begun whereby the elites honored one another by pardoning their kind.  However justice would not be served, nor would the mob of blood-thirsty Chinese Hans be satisfied short of someone being killed, so the custom included the hurling of lower class prisoners to their death from the second tier of the capitol pagoda, and the system of two-tiered justice was born.   

The man who many in the elite circles have dubbed “one of the greatest presidents of the twenty-first century”, President Joe Biden, continued this long and esteemed tradition by pardoning his prodigal son Hunter for a record setting eleven years spanning the period of 2014 to New Year’s Eve 2024 (for obvious reasons) breaking the previous record set by Gerald Ford who pardoned Richard Nixon for any crimes he may have committed whilst president including the famous Waterworld scandal.  

The young (55 years-old) ne’er-do-well Biden had been convicted by a jury of his peers earlier this year on felony gun charges and appeared to be headed to serve as much as twelve years of intense ease and relaxation in a federal white collar prison spa alongside his old pal and fellow human trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell.  Lucky for Hunter his dad is likely suffering from advanced CRS (Can’t Remember S–t) and forgot he had promised the public via the mainstream media that he would not pardon his son if he were convicted.  Several viral videos circulating the internet show the president assuring his constituents that “no one is above the law”, which is not to be confused with knowing when the law is beneath you.  

The phrase “beg your pardon” can also be used in situations where someone needs to ask for clarification or request someone to repeat something. For example, if you didn’t hear someone properly, you might say, “I beg your pardon?” to politely ask them to repeat what they said.

“Repeat the line.  I will not pardon my son”, maintained the great Executive Orderer when asked on more than one occasion as he darted around the globe like Kris Kringle handing out billions of American dollars from one vacation to the next. Also repeating the line was White House Press Secretary and executive lesbian Karen Jean-Perrier who appeared to have grown tired of fielding such a ridiculous question, because as every lesbian knows, no means yes.  

After four years of using the Department of Justice to bring justice to his political enemies the president, who had heretofore insisted the weaponization of nation’s chief legal enforcement agency could not happen, suddenly realized it could when it came to his son.  In his appeal to the American people to be fair he unironically reminded us all of his unwavering commitment to telling the truth. Which is to be expected by someone from humble beginnings as a coal miner who graduated top of his class in law school, had been shot at in Iraq after having his helicopter forced down flying through Afghanistan after leading the Civil Rights movement. 

In keeping with the Christmas spirit the president has also offered full, pre-emptive and posthumous pardons to: 

• Anthony Fauci, Director NIH, for the years 2015-2035
• Alejandro Mayorkas, Director of Homeland Security, for the years 2020-2024
• Christopher Wray, Director of the F.B.I. for the years 2020-2024
• Bill and Hillary Clinton, former President and First Lady, from the years of their birth-present day
• Sean “Puffy” Combs, Owner Bad Boy Records, for the years 2010-2024
• Bill Cosby, American Actor and Doctorer of Jello Pudding, for the years 1990-2020
• Jeffrey Epstein (posthumous pardon), Financier and Political Hospitality Specialist, for the years 1980-2019
• O.J. Simpson (posthumous pardon), American Football Player and Luggage Salesman, for the years 1994-2024

(To see the full list click this link)

Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.