Vermont to replace Ceres with 40-foot statue of Burlington Mayor Emma Mulvaney-Stanak because “She’s the real economic engine, guys”

By Vinnie Balsamic

In a move that absolutely no one saw coming except everyone who has attended a Burlington City Council meeting in the last nine months—and that one guy who still emails legislators about the 2018 dome renovation—the 18 members of the Burlington Caucus of the Vermont Legislature announced it will introduce a bill to replace the beloved gilded statue of Agriculture atop the Golden Dome with a statue of Queen City Progressive Mayor Emma Mulvaney-Stanak.

House Speaker Jill Krowinski and Senate Pro Tem Phil Baruth, both Burlington residents, promised to fast track the bill. Lt. Gov. John Rodgers, who lives on a farm in Glover but owes his election to large campaign donors from Burlington’s zip codes, said he’d do what he could to help it along.

The current statue — A/K/A Ceres, the Roman goddess of agriculture who has been quietly judging us from atop the Statehouse since her third incarnation in November 2018 – will be gently rendered into woodchips and contributed to the downtown Montpelier biomass thermal generation plant. 

“After the mayor correctly identified Burlington as the economic engine of Vermont,” explained Burlington City Arts chair and mayoral appointee Thaddeus “Thad” McTrustfund IV, “we realized we’re honoring the wrong goddess. Wheat? Grain? Seasonal renewal? Cute, but that was so 2018. Have you seen the property tax revenue generated by a two-bedroom condo on the waterfront lately? Or the $90 million net in state aid to education? Ceres brought the grain, but Emma brings the gravy.”

And let’s face it, no-one brings offerings to Ceres anymore,” McTrustfund, a former campaign worker, said. “But just last year Emma’s followers were bringing her dinner every night.”

The new statue will depict Mayor Mulvaney-Stanak in mid-sentence, one hand holding a bullhorn, and the other cradling in its palm a tiny bronze of Gov. Phil Scott.

Governor Scott, reached at an undisclosed ribbon-cutting in Rutland—where he was unveiling the new state slogan for a nudist vacation destination marketing campaign, “Vermont: Barely Standing” — responded with his trademark folksy restraint: “Well, I suppose if Burlington is the engine, the rest of us are apparently the luggage strapped to the roof in a snowstorm.”

This isn’t the first time Vermont’s symbolic statuary has sparked debate. Back in 2018, when the dome was regilded for the first time since the Great Flood of ’27 (or so the tour guides claim), the third Ceres was carved from Honduran mahogany by local artist Chris Miller, who spent six months in a Barre granite museum workshop dodging tourists armed with “Ceres-On-A-Stick” bookmarks that went inexplicably viral.

Highlights of the proposed 40-foot statue include:

• A rotating base so the mayor can periodically turn her back on the rest of the state, “for symbolic accuracy.”
• Solar-powered LED tears that trickle down whenever property taxes go up (expected to be a permanent waterfall feature, especially as the state GDP drops like confetti).
• An inscription reading: “Burlington: We Generate 37% of the GDP and 100% of the Drama.”
• A small bronze plaque at the base acknowledging that Burlington also generates approximately 87% of Vermont’s eye-rolls.”

When asked whether the $4.2 million price tag might be better spent on, say, substance-use treatment or keeping the heat on in rural school, state project manager Rowan Evergreen-Sprout replied, “Art is treatment. Art is warmth. Also Burlington is paying for it from a Waterfront Revitalization TIF District fund that somehow still has money leftover.”

Ceres herself could not be reached for comment, though sources say she was last seen hitchhiking toward New Hampshire with a suitcase labeled “Well, I Tried,” muttering something about how agriculture built this state before condos and council meetings ruined it.

UPDATE:

The statue, originally intended to be made from premium treated maple wood, will instead be constructed from compressed bricks of former Police Chief Jon Murad’s suppressed press releases, as the funds were diverted at the last minute to give the Mayor’s spouse another raise, as well as the new Karl Marx Memorial Opiates for the Masses Needle Emporium in the basement of Burlington City Hall.

Vinnie Balsamic is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.