by J. Thomas (aka “Tommy” or “Joey”) Avocadoes

The new 2024 Vermont legislative session has been under way for one month now, and a total of twelve hundred and sixty-three bills have been cranked through the sausage grinder, in addition to one proposed constitutional amendment.

The most recent is H.1234567, and act relating to  “Safe Shoplifting Sites,” or SSS, sponsored by Lamoille Rep. Saudia Rabia. The original bill title drew criticism in the senate, being viewed by some as discriminatory and was later amended as the bill went through several revisions. Even the term “shoplifting” or “shoplifter” will be illegal to use because it’s considered a derogatory term of social profiling. The new title of the bill is “Acceptable Assisted Acquiring,” or AAA.

One component of the new bill is that cashiers will now actually be required by law to offer assistance to help shoplifters shoplift. This is in addition to already being required to provide rugged canvas totes at the store entrance which will assist them in acceptably acquiring merchandise they won’t pay for as they make their way through the store. 

For instance, if the shoplifter has more items than he or she can safely handle to carry out of the store, a cashier must be available at all times to assist. And, of course, no questions may be asked by store staff, such as, “Did you pay for that merchandise?”

Essentially what AAA will do is require cashiers and employees of retail establishments to adopt a “Don’t look, don’t tell” policy. If passed through the senate, AAA will become state statute and prohibit all retail cashiers and managers from looking at people as they enter or leave the store because it might prejudice them to assume someone is planning on shoplifting, or, upon exiting the store, has shoplifted.

Rep. Rob Merchant, one of the co-sponsors, says that the new AAA bill combines the best features of many bills, including the new “Harm Reduction” bill (formerly referred to as “Safe Injection Sites”); decriminalization of drug dealing for personal use; decriminalization of prostitution and locations of prostitution (as a solution for reducing the homelessness crisis); gender-mutilating surgery, abortions, STD prevention, testing, and treatment without parental consent for children who have reached pre-school age; and making it illegal in perpetuity for landlords to evict tenants who refuse to pay rent or honor the terms of their lease. 

The newest legislation to be cranked out of the golden dome is the “Prevention is Key” legislation, also known as “Decriminalize Everything.” Sponsors say that by simply decriminalizing every activity which once would have been prosecuted, this is the most comprehensive means of preventing criminal behavior. In other words, when people and their behavior are longer seen through the lens of whether or not they adhere to the rule of law, criminals are eliminated from society. 

Fellow Lamoille rep and co-sponsor of the bill, Avram Patt-Ansser, said,

“We’re not seeking to eliminate criminals, but rather the labels associated with criminal behavior. By changing the wording, this will greatly free up our law enforcement agencies, courtroom dockets, and prisons.”

Another sponsor of the new AAA bill is I. Ripmaniov, a freshman representative from Russia who not only attends all legislative and committee meetings remotely, but actually lives year-round in Moscow. This arrangement was made possible when a new bill was passed last year which says legislators are no longer required to be either residents of Vermont nor citizens of the United States.

“Because we consider Vermont a sister state which so closely aligns with our political and economic ideologies here in Russia, I feel right at home during every Zoom meeting held in committee rooms and the Vermont statehouse, even though I never have to leave Moscow,” stated Ripmaniov.

Employees at several retail department stores, such as Big Gots, Haulmart, and Targeted are expressing relief at no longer having to deal with the trash left behind in the public restrooms when shoplifters would rifle through packages of cosmetics and electronics to remove USB wires and other items, thereby making it easier to conceal them in clothing, pockets, and backpacks. 

The most recent legislation which has passed out of the House and is awaiting a Senate vote is the “Security Tag Toilet Trauma” bill, or STTT, which requires all retail establishments to pay reparations to acceptable assisted acquirers for trauma experienced upon seeing toilets clogging and then backing up when they have attempted to flush the security tags they’ve removed from items they’ve brought into restrooms for the purpose of hiding them in backpacks, purses, and on their person.

Even as the STTT legislation had barely come off the wall,  Rep. Carrie N. Pilfer of West Dummerstill, proposed a similar bill, H.12345678, which would make it illegal for law enforcement officers to arrest any person inside a retail establishment who had been suspected of shoplifting because of the trauma he or she might experience from the embarrassment of being confronted in front of other people. 

The “Arrest Trauma Elimination,” or ATE, bill has been seen as groundbreaking legislation which is spawning a radical new approach to what is now largely being regarded as an archaic and oppressive term: theft. Some of these new bills still in committee would make it illegal for stores to use security tags or even security cameras, as well as eliminate all cashiers, replacing them with cashier bots which are programmed to accept any amount of payment regardless of the price on the tag, or even no payment at all if the shopper chooses that option.

When Rep.Will Steele of East Brainless was asked by several critics about the long-term ramifications of these new bills and whether he thought they might be a hindrance to attracting and fostering a vibrant business and retail community, as well as stimulating robust local economic growth in Vermont’s villages and cities, he replied,

“That’s an excellent question. I haven’t thought about that yet.”

Judge N. Justin Jivon was asked how the AAA bill might affect his job. 

“I don’t think it will affect my docket that much because I dismiss most cases anyway. I think our lives need to be consistent. For instance, I’ve been fishing since I was a young boy, and I’ve always practiced catch and release. It’s cruel to allow a fish to die just to eat it later. I apply this same philosophy to my jurisprudence. Any person who comes before my bench is like one of those fish. I consider it cruel to ever have to punish those who have been ‘caught’ and end up in my courtroom, and God (deity of choice) forbid, ever send them to jail.

“It’s simply a matter of moral consistency to practice this same kind of compassionate catch and release philosophy in my judicial decision making,” Jivon said. “I consider that those accused who stand before my bench are simply bigger fish on the evolutionary spectrum, and as such, deserve to be released, regardless of what they are being charged with. I like to refer to it as a ‘No Bail, No Jail’ attitude which guides all my sentencing protocols. When I give credit for time served, I’m now incorporating into that sentencing protocol not just how long a person has been incarcerated, but the amount of time he or she has actually been alive. For many of those who appear before me, this equates to a situation in which they build up credit, and the state of Vermont will now owe them time and money. In fact, shoplifting— excuse me, acceptable assisted acquiring—is actually a great benefit to society because it puts less strain on our government and local agencies to have to provide for those who don’t work.”

Jiron’s philosophy has been roundly praised by Vermont legislators. Even US Senator Bernie Sanders has weighed in on what he is calling a great breakthrough in social jurisprudence.

“What an incredibly sustainable paradigm for the redistribution of wealth. It completely eliminates the middle man and removes a great burden from the shoulders of government to continue finding solutions to providing equally for every person. I wish I’d implemented this when I was the mayor of Burlington. I had even approached Ben and Jerry when they were still making ice cream out of their makeshift gas station, proposing that they simply give away their ice cream. Although they supported my idea in theory, they never signed on, explaining that they would have a far greater social impact on the planet if they could convince retailers to sell their innovative virtue-signaling flavors at premium prices.”

Ben and Jerry eventually leveraged that economic philosophy to their advantage when they sold out to Unilever. In fact, the cream from Vermont cows has not been used in Ben and Jerry’s ice cream for at least twenty-years. 

Unilever recently announced that it is on the verge of finalizing a contract with the Bill and Melinda Hates Foundation to begin production of all Ben and Jerry’s products using synthetic cream from synthetic cows. There has even been talk about creating a new product line using plant-based cream substitutes. Two of the flavors being proposed in the lab are “No Bullfudge,” and “Visualize Whirled Peas.”

New York Senator Alexandria Ocrazio Cortes, or AOC, has also lavished praise on Bill Hates for the new multi-trillion dollar technology he is funding. 

“Kudos to Mr. Hates for his courage and foresight in creating strategies for winning the war on climate change by nearly eliminating greenhouse gas emissions produced by the terribly destructive effects of bovine flatulent discharges. This groundbreaking technology will accomplish three important goals: First, it will restore the ozone layer and bring global temperatures down to chilling new lows. Second, it will completely eliminate world hunger by providing enough synthetic meat as well as synthetic dairy products to feed the global population. Third, it will solve the national homelessness crisis by making farmers obsolete, instead much more responsibly converting all the land once used for farming into high density residential urban areas filled with affordable and free housing.”

Another bill, still in committee, would prohibit and make it a felony to use the term “Sausage Grinder” when referring to the legislative process. Protect our Predators, or POP, founder and president, Brenna Zinn-Afrenzi, approached lawmakers and testified against what she considers a derogatory term.

“We already have enough cruelty against animals occurring in Vermont without having to use pejorative terminology when referring to them. Even the images evoked by a phrase as violent as ‘sausage grinder,’ are harmful to our animal community, and can severely damage their self-esteem. I suggest that we consider using a more species-neutral alternative, such as ‘Legislative Food Mill,’ for instance, rather than negative animal-centered stereotypes when referring to what happens in Montpelier.”

Just prior to making her comments, Zinn-Afrenzi had come from testifying before the House Health, Human Services, and Child Protection Oversight Committee to voice her support for Prop 86, a proposed amendment to Vermont constitutional amendment, Article 22, passed in 2022. Prop 86, also known as “Physician-Assisted Pregnancy Termination Euthanasia,” or PAPTE, will enshrine the right to euthanize those experiencing morning sickness throughout all nine months of pregnancy. The lead sponsor of this proposed constitutional amendment is Rep. Robin Wingnut-Dangerman.

“Persons with uteruses have suffered in silence with morning sickness for thousands of years. Men lacking empathy for those experiencing such terrible discomfort and inconvenience are responsible for making them carry their pregnancies to term and forcing them to give birth. This amendment would simply recognize their personal autonomy to choose whether or not they would like to continue their pregnancies or be euthanized.”

Vermont AG, Charity Stark, one of eighteen state attorneys general who have signed a letter voicing their support for the proposal, highlighted some of its benefits.

“We are strongly urging lawmakers to get behind this, even if it takes two biennia and four legislative sessions to ram it through. One of the aspects of this legislation we want to emphasize is the “BOGO” piece in which those wishing to terminate their pregnancies, as well as choosing personal euthanization, will be offered attractive tax incentives. This will save taxpayers an enormous amount of money, because rather than obtaining an abortion first, and then later deciding on euthanization, persons choosing both abortion and euthanization can have the chemical procedures done at the same time, effectively accomplishing two terminations for the price of one. This really is the best bang for their buck.”

House Speaker Jill Crapinski, who serves on the boards of Danco Laboratories, Pfizer, and Planned Parenthood, has said she supports the new constitutional amendment. 

“We are also going to ensure that the language of Prop 86 makes euthanasia available to all persons experiencing morning sickness, regardless of whether they have a uterus or not. Deproductive injustice anywhere is a threat to deproductive justice everywhere.” 

This proposal comes on the heels of the governor having signed into law Act 99 which legalizes toddlercide. That bill, which passed quickly through both chambers, had its genesis when beleaguered mother, Sarah Kidd-Kilham, testified before the House Ways Are Mean committee.

“The ‘terrible twos’ just about did me in. After that interminable year was finally over, all I wanted was to do in our little Max. At this point, I just don’t have the bandwidth for the ‘thrilling threes,’ and it hardly seems fair or compassionate for me to have to endure another year of what really amounts to forced parenting.

“And if I’m being honest, because Article 22 guarantees me the personal autonomy to terminate my pregnancy at any point, there’s no reason I shouldn’t be able to exercise my personal liberty and dignity to determine my own life course without the government trying to deny or infringe upon that most basic of human rights. And my life course right now does not include a whiny toddler.”

After California became the first state to legalize infanticide when Governor Gavin Gruesome signed it into law, it was only a matter of time before other states followed his lead in expanding the right to end people’s lives at any age and any stage. Our “Brave Little State” is now the first to make that a reality by introducing the nation’s first ever toddlercide legislation. 

The last remaining conservative in the Vermont General Assembly, whose name has been redacted, when asked for his comments on the plethora of new legislation, simply shook his head  and replied,

“You can’t make this stuff up.”