by Johnny Bananas
There has been a shake-up in the wide, wide world of sports. In a stunning new move by the Olympic Committee to redistribute medals based on relative oppression and the science of intersectionality, competing nation states have been allotted team arbiters composed of diverse persons and pronouns who report individual cases to the event judges who then weigh the appropriate social credit scores and apply them to the final numbers using an algorithm generated by an AI supercomputer, named TED (Technical Egregiousness Decider) that is the product of a multicultural tech venture composed of scientists, social workers, environmental studies majors, experts, and Dave Chappelle working together to create what many are calling the most woke innovation since safe spaces.
Starting with Track and Field, the supposed winner of the women’s shot-put gold medal ended up finishing in twelfth place when, it was the consensus that her being American was evidence of global oppression thus lowering her once record heave by nearly 12’. Despite the American delegate arguing that she is African-American and wore rainbow dyed hair, TED discovered in her CV she attended a nearly all-white private school named after slave owner Thomas Jefferson and one of her tweets from her time in college made fun of gay men.
Heading over to soccer the American women’s team suffered a stunning 1-0 technical loss to Canada in the semi-finals which was recalculated to 6-2 with respect to each teams BIPOC members. When asked after the match what she/her will do to improve they/their’s team chances in the 2025 Olympics head coach Vlatko Andonovsky, surmised she would look to do more recruiting in the soccer anemic deep south and San Francisco Bay areas.
Beach volleyball saw a surprising underdog story unfold as the team from Burkina Faso walked away with the gold medal after perennial power houses from the U.S. and Australia were sent away in defeat with a TED ruling, which appears to set precedence in the coming games. It seems that despite the apparent cultural appropriation of beaches and volleyball, both arguably starting in California, TED weighed it’s score in favor of the small beach-less African nation due to the overwhelming number of players testing positive on the Australiana and US teams for PEM (Performance Enhancing Melanin). Neither the US nor Australian coaches were available for comment.
Table tennis, long a sport dominated by the host country Japan, saw a unique changing of the guard when TED reported to the judges Japan didn’t discover tables until the 19th century. Seizing the opportunity, representatives from Egypt made the case that altars are in fact tables and thus strode to the top of the podium winning the country’s first gold medal in the event, thanking historical hieroglyphics and the Bible, among others, in the post ceremonial interview. The dejected Japanese team took solace in the fact that Egypt could make no such claim in regard to Karate since belts were recently discovered in the Korean peninsula dating as far back as 13,000 B.C.E.
All eyes turned to golf where, for the first time in Olympic history, the holes were lined with protestors chanting “Golf Is Racist”, despite Tiger Woods dominating the competition. Tiger lapped the field with a stroke play total of 16 under par but was told on his way to the medal ceremony that he finished dead last when TED was able to verify he had in fact voted for Donald Trump in both 2016 and 2020. This allowed Hideki Matsuyama to take home the first gold medal for Japan, despite the case made by native Scotsman Rory McIlroy who suggested his gay uncle and a cousin with Asperger’s ought to count for at least two strokes and make him the winner. Matsuyama countered that his parents were interned in the United States during World War 2 and that McIlroy’s great, great grandfather was a Freemason who drove a horse and buggy for the notorious western bourgeois freedom fighter Thomas Paine, which TED concluded was valid, leaving McIlroy stuck holding a bronze and vaulting a lesser known Armenian into second place.
The world of Olympic weightlifting suffered an anti-climactic intersectionality defeat when New Zealand’s trans-male->female him->her/his->hers failed to make it to a medal round, while also getting dropped in the ratings by TED. Upon further review technicians found one of the programmers had exercised gender bias that exposed the lifter to a disputed penalty based on testosterone levels, mechanical advantage and bone density. The programmer was found and has been taken to a remote part of China for interrogation and reprogramming (sic) training. Fans of the sport will have to wait for the excitement to come next go around as reports have been coming in that the Czech Republic will be featuring a transgender non-binary person with curly red hair, obnoxiously large freckles and a weird elbow disease who recently escaped from a human trafficking ring, and is clearly the early favorite to win the gold.
Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume for a mostly peaceful, not fully vaccinated raving reporter who covers the local and global fake news stories of the day.