by James Garnett

Vermont Senator Peter Welch endorses legislation introduced by Jamie Raskin  and Adam Schiff declaring the US Constitution “unconstitutional…” 

Bernie Sanders visits Hamas leaders in Rafa for the “greater good” and  promptly is disappeared. Mission accomplished… 

Joe Biden comes up with new campaign slogan : “Forget about it.” 

Peter Rabbit sues state for reparations due to suburban sprawl.

Vermont Congresswoman Rebecca Balint introduces plan to replace Vermont  State Flag with Rainbow Flag. Says Pine Tree is misogynistic phallic totem.

Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer declares Israel anti-semitic. 

Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi revealed plans to be buried wearing the culturally appropriated Dashiki given her by ex Nuclear Waste Disposal Vice Chair who actually appropriated it from the bag claim at LAX. 

Ex Congresswoman Liz Cheney fails in suicide attempt on fake gallows used as evidence in January 6th hearings. “I was so sure it was real”, she related to  Adam Kinzinger who rushed to her aide.

Senator Susan Collins of Maine wants to replace “The Star Spangled Banner” with “Rubber Ducky” as the National Anthem.  

E. Jean Carroll, who recently won an 85 million dollar defamation suit against Trump, claims his use of Sam and Dave’s song “Hold on I’m Coming” is  personally directed at her and she is considering further legal action.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, when confronted with evidence that the MRNA Covid Vaccine  was shown to negatively affect that area of the human brain that controls memory, responded that the past was best left behind. Instead we should get  ready for coming attractions…  

Press Secretary KJP, who was honored this month as the first gay, black,  woman holding her post to wear purple at the podium, announced that  President Biden had broken his own world record for pushups set first at the  1936 Olympics which was unreported in deference to Jessie Owens’ lesser  achievements.

Former President Donald Trump in an interview with George Stephanopoulos  denied he got his “rosy patina” from bathing in blood. 

Haitian gang leader and reputed cannibal Barbecue lauded for innovative solution to world hunger crisis.

 In a related development Super Geek Bill Gates releases billions of genetically  enhanced edible bugs from his “Factories” in Ukraine. According to geolocators  the swarms have spread erratically. Publicly Gates assured the UN that the  swarms will diffuse harmful sunlight and help cool the planet. Privately he  confided to investors that he simply couldn’t compete with the “Haitian Model,”  though Gates plans to meet soon with King Barbecue…

“Admiral” Rachel Levine admits that he/she may have mistaken a midlife crisis  for menopause and wants to transition back. Because of her/his opposition to  Israel’s war with Hamas he/she has requested plastic surgeons reverse her/his  circumcision. Unfortunately, doctors say there is not enough there there. 

Secretary of Treasury Janet Yellen declared that George Soros plan to establish  a Central Digital Currency Bank a great idea. She is consulting with Sam  Bankman Fried for implementation strategies…

Judge Arthur Engoron announces his new fashion line of “puffy shirts”… Fines  fashion critic $1 billion for fraudulent comments… 

Chinese investment consortium buys Statue of Liberty. Biden Administration  permits move to Rikers Island. 

Joe Biden, during a campaign stop in Texas, tries his hand at “Texas 2 Step”. Feet refuse to cooperate.

The preceding was satire. The headlines listed are fictional, and meant for a laugh.