by Johnny Bananas

The Emmy Award winning television show Survivor will be headed to the Green Mountain state to film their latest installment, “Survivor: Burlington,” this month. Airing their forty-second series since it debuted in 2000, the producers were looking for a location that could provide a unique set of challenges not yet faced by previous contestants.  Survivor has been known to fly its team to remote tropical locales, typically islands, where contestants need to work as a team in order to win the competition.  This will be the first time they compete in an urban setting in winter.  

As they scoured the world looking for the best urban challenge they were shocked to find Burlington, VT had a D- rating for crime, putting it on the top 10% least safe cities in the United States. 

“We were tired of always shooting in the tropics.  You can only get so tan and eat so many fish tacos before you feel like you’re going to lose it,” remarked the show’s co-founder and host Jeff Probst.  

“We knew we wanted somewhere cold to mix it up and it came down to Chicago or Burlington.  We were shocked and pleasantly surprised Burlington had the worse crime rate,” said the Emmy award-winning host.  

Pleasantly surprised? 

“I drive a Tesla and I love to ski,” remarked co-producer Mark Burnett who also declared his love of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. 

The series usually has two or three tribes but will be adding a fourth this year.  Contestants were chosen at the Texas border where their air-fare and rooms were already paid for, saving the production team tens of thousands of dollars.  

The emphasis on true tribal allegiance has been set by choosing undocumented migrants to represent their respective nations: Venezuela, China, Syria and California.  

The tribes will be released into one of the following hi-crime locations: City Hill Park, Ethan Allen Park, Battery Park, or Church Street. The contestants will begin the game wearing a pair of Darn Tough socks, a backpack and a ski cap yet otherwise completely naked so as not to arouse suspicion from locals.  

Per the game’s format the tribes will be given a series of tasks in order to win immunity while the losing tribes will have to face secondary challenges to remain in the game.  Bananas Media was able to get a glimpse of the list of competitions and immunity challenges some of which include: 

Team challenges:

• BURLINGTON ROULETTE – contestants walk Church Street blindfolded trying not to step on a needle; opt-out challenge is to take a COVID vaccine and not develop myocarditis, an auto-immune disorder or die suddenly before the end of the season*
• STATUTORY DRAPE – the first team to knock down a designated statue or completely drape it wins (teams will need to find or make their own drape)
• PRONOUN ASSASSINS – the first tribe to mis-gender ten local residents will gain immunity 
• CAMPING IS IN-TENTS – contestants will have to steal a tent no greater value than $999 from a local outdoor store then erect it at a designated location, the first team to achieve full erection wins
• JUMPING JACKS & JILLS  –  teams will be tasked with jump-charging an EV in sub-zero temperatures with the winning team able to both keep the vehicle running until sun-up and not get car jacked 

Immunity challenges: 

• BEETLEMANIA – first to drink a milkshake made of pureed dung beetles using a paper straw wins immunity
• SOLAR FLARE – first contestant to make a fire using only a solar panel wins immunity

Hidden immunity idol: 

SWING THE VOTE: Contestants will hang from a drone on a swing as they look for the hidden idol. The first to find it will be given a Dominion Voting machine to ensure they win the vote every time.

Also seeing a return will be the Survivor feature Exile Island challenge.  Each week at least one castaway will be sent to Isle La Motte (pop. 488) where they will be given a pair of ice skates, a gallon of maple syrup and a Jeremiah Johnson Hawken muzzle-loaded rifle with one live round pre-loaded to survive the week or attempt to skate back over Lake Champlain to the mainland.  

Burlington mayor Miro Weinberger was surprised to hear of his city being chosen for this unique event. When not engaged in acts of white supremacy Mayor Weinberger spends much of his focus on getting the city to net-zero carbon emissions.  After hearing his Queen City ruled over Chicago for crime rate Mayor Weinberger beamed with delight noting the hard work and dedication necessary to achieve such a milestone.  

“Defunding the police really helped.  We also set a standard of excellence for tolerance which means tolerating things other cities won’t, like crack-heads, vagrants, men in women’s bathrooms, sex-workers and asylum seekers from known terrorist hot spots.  We may be a small city, but we’ve got a big city crime rate AND zero-carbon emissions.  Can Chicago say that?  I doubt it.” 

When asked if he’d be willing to fill in if the show needs a replacement Weinberger rejected the offer since he will be in Florida during the show’s shooting where he will be training for his upcoming men’s over 35 baseball league. 

Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.