by Jennifer Dawson
Political issues have caused significant distress for Vermont residents, with 2024 in particular being marked by deep rifts and bubbling tensions between Gov. Phil Scott and the legislature recently. Just weeks after Vermont legislators returned to the Statehouse, staffers, lawmakers, and officials noted that tensions were particularly high. Issues of contention included the prediction that double-digit property tax increases would be necessary to fund Vermont’s public school system, as well as the topics of affordable housing and the need for criminal justice reform. Debates over these topics have seeped into homes as well. As is the case for residents of many other states, politics is threatening to become a divisive issue between friends and family members. In fact, with the arrival of summer, one in which families tend to spend more time together, experts are recommending avoiding political chats to keep the peace.
40 Leading Experts Chime In
A recent research project involving over 40 experts in fields ranging from law to psychology has shown that politics are causing family arguments now more than ever before. 32 of these experts listed politics as a leading cause of family rifts, finding that arguments over relatively trivial matters can cut deep and last long. In fact, the effect of squabbles can last from 15 years to a lifetime. The number one cause of family issues is unresolved issues (mainly intergenerational ones), the second is value differences (politics, religion, world views), and the third is a lack of communication. While it is clear that deep-seated psychological issues and communication often require a big effort and/or professional therapy to improve, value differences are a relatively easy problem to skirt—provided rules are set beforehand.
Agreeing to Disagree
Not all politics-related subjects can be avoided, particularly when large family gatherings are involved. For this reason, families need to stipulate and abide by a commitment to leave emotionally reactive behavior aside. For instance, it may be impossible to avoid talking about individual political proposals, but family members can agree to discuss these proposals themselves rather than bringing party politics into the equation. If certain topics are clearly a big bone of contention for members at a gathering, they can simply agree to make these subjects taboo. They can focus instead on enjoying each other’s company and discussing each other’s thoughts and opinions on less volatile matters.
Listening to Understand
Family members can also benefit from honing active listening skills. Active listening involves listening to understand rather than convince. Just a few techniques involved include not interrupting others while they are speaking, showing them one is listening by paraphrasing what they are saying and displaying open body language, and making an active effort to understand them. Too often, rifts are caused in families because someone cannot wait to get a word in edgewise. They may quickly nod while someone is speaking but show they are not really listening by interrupting or speaking too quickly when someone is simply pausing. The aim is to show interest, be fully present during a conversation, and refrain from judging or giving unsolicited advice.
Family Members Have a Right to Boundaries
Families with kids can establish healthy relationships by teaching children that they have a right to set boundaries, letting them know that others’ boundaries also need to be respected. There are many types of boundaries to be respected, including physical, material, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and political boundaries. The reason politics causes such big rifts during the summer and festive holidays is that some family members refuse to respect these limits. Even if someone declines to talk about a topic or insists that they have a right to their opinion, others may still try to convince them that they are wrong.
These are stressful times, and studies have shown that politics are a much bigger cause for division between families than in times past. Families wishing to avoid long-term problems should therefore prioritize respect, active listening, and boundary acceptance. People can have different values but still be connected, since independence and differentiation from others are signs of maturity and wholeness. They indicate our ability to recognize and respect diverse ways of thinking and feeling.