by Johnny ‘We hardly knew ye’ Bananas
Donald Trump is quickly eclipsing his record of the most assassinated Presidents of all-time. The President was as resolute as ever as he sat behind his desk of the same name casually looking over his shoulder, in hopes to pad his stats.
“Nobody has ever been this assassinated in the history of the presidency” he boasted unironically as Robert Kennedy Jr. stood nearby within earshot (no pun intended).
“We’ve had a lot of great presidents get assassinated but not like me! This makes forty-seven times. Can you believe that? Incredible. Who thinks I’ll make it to fifty?” he asked as eyes in the oval office glanced over to the golden pager gifted him by Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.
The most recent attempt occurred this past weekend during the White House Correspondents Dinner (WHCD), an annual event President Trump has avoided like questions about the Epstein files since his first term in office.
The dinner dates back to 1921 with its first presidential attendee, Vermont’s own Calvin Coolidge, who made it through the evening relatively unscathed despite the room being full of actual journalists. This of course was due in part to the events “no women allowed” policy which made for a relatively tranquil evening until the famous womanizer John F. Kennedy refused to attend unless the group relented and allowed in Helen Thomas, one of JFK’s many side-pieces.
Speaking of polite society, the evening was going along swimmingly like Joe Biden skinny dipping in front of the Secret Service, when all of the sudden gunshots could be heard from outside of the dining room. Curiously the timing coincided with an entertainer named Oz the Mentalist revealing to the first lady and Trump’s pregnant press secretary Karoline Leavitt the name of the baby in her belly, Vivian. Both women were amazed given the baby’s name was a secret and it hadn’t assigned its own gender identity yet, which usually happens around first or second grade.
Also bizarre was Oz’ inability to predict the evening’s shooter which seems to have been tipped off by the same press secretary who quipped beforehand “there will be some shots fired tonight…”. Well played young Jedi.
Outside in the lobby the Secret Service were busy shooting at one another as the assailant sprinted past their stalwart security set up. As the camera footage shows, an armed allegedly black man made a run for the banquet hall which solicited the typical reaction of the slower and whiter agents who immediately pulled their guns and began shooting like they would during a routine traffic stop in Baltimore.
The President’s Secret Service team then immediately jumped into action by taking Vice President JD Vance off the stage faster than a CNN reporter taking a selfie-under their table, then sashayed over to the President knowing the real victims of this poorly performed psy-op are the American people.
“This was beneath even our standards for horrible assassination attempts” said leftist activist and online hate merchant Hassan Piker, who has been calling for violence against Trump supporters since before COVID.
Similarly disappointed were many others on the left who’ve been calling for someone to “finish the job” forgetting most of their followers neither have nor want jobs. The equally unoriginal voices on the left, who are more prone to parroting talking points given to them each day by their handlers, began calls for a Make Assassinations Great Again (LGBTQAnon++MAGA) in an attempt to co-opt the now commercially successful MAGA movement. Of course the communists mistake the free market as a place to freely take other people’s ideas, but these leopards can’t change their spots any more than they can change their underwear.
As the dust settled and the important people were ushered outside to their eco-non-conforming SUVs the alleged assailant with the shotgun and knives was handcuffed miraculously without being George Floyded and then positively ID’d as one Cole Tomas Allen, a former Cal Tech grad recently named Teacher of the Month at his now former place of employment. Thus no need to further investigate as he has all of the necessary markers of a lone gunman – three names, in the prime of his life and the insatiable desire to off the leader of the free-world with a gun.
Many were surprised that the shooter was black, however the DEI initiatives put in place by Joe Biden’s auto-pen forced the CIA to adopt new diverse and inclusive mind control programming. Historically mind controlled assassins were white men like Lee Harvey Osmond, the estranged brother to Donnie and Marie Osmond, and John Hinkley Jr., son to John Hinkley Sr..
CIA Chief Diversity Officer Latonya Greenstein explained to Bananas Media “We were tired of white men getting all of the credit for presidential assassinations. Black people know how to shoot too. Just visit Chicago.” Greenstein went on to explain Allen was most likely a graduate of the agencies new MLK Ultra class of shooters.
Just as no good deed goes unpunished the political wisdom of Rahm Emanuel to “never let a crisis go to waste” was immediately adopted by the Trump administration noting an event like this would not have happened were they to have been in the President’s new ball room. However he was not alone in this declaration as hundreds of other members of the Mockingbird social media immediately took to X saying the same exact thing.
Thanks to generous donations from companies like Amazon, Meta and Palantir the ball room will include seventeen inch thick ballistic shock walls, rapid same day delivery for items ordered online and a military bunker set up to surveil the entire nation ensuring we’re on our best behavior while they enjoy their Eyes Wide Shut parties in peace.
With World War III looking to kick off any day now one has to wonder how much longer we can continue this dance.
Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.