by Vinnie Balsamic
In a rare display of interagency cooperation that has left wildlife biologists and immigration hardliners equally confused, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement and the Vermont Department of Fish and Wildlife announced a joint campaign Monday to stop Canadian geese from “violating U.S. borders” and to remove those already occupying Vermont ponds, golf courses, and public parks.
The initiative, dubbed Operation Honk Off, frames the ubiquitous Canada goose as an “interloper species” that crosses the northern border with impunity, drops bombs without regard for sovereignty, and refuses to assimilate into polite American waterfowl society.
“These birds have been treating our state like an all-you-can-poop buffet for decades,” said VT Fish and Wildlife spokesperson Marjorie “Madge” Hollenbeck at a press conference held beside a particularly fouled stretch of the Winooski River. “They arrive without papers, without visas, and without any intention of respecting our hard-won lawns. We’re done looking the other way.”
ICE Regional Director Brent “Buzz” Callahan, appearing in a windbreaker that somehow still managed to look tactical, went further. Standing in front of a PowerPoint slide that simply read “GEESE = ILLEGAL,” Callahan declared: “We’re going to round up every last one of these interlopers and deport those bastards straight to Hell!”
When pressed on the logistics of deporting waterfowl to the underworld, Callahan clarified that “Hell” was being used metaphorically—for now—and that the primary destination under consideration was “back across the border, preferably somewhere with fewer manicured greens.”
The plan outlines several enforcement phases:
- Increased “border patrols” along the Canadian frontier using drones equipped with honk-recognition software.
- Temporary holding pens (described by officials as “geese processing centers”) near major wetlands.
- A “catch-and-release-to-Canada” protocol involving nets, transport trucks, and strongly worded letters of deportation to be read aloud in both English and French before release.
- A public tip line encouraging Vermonters to report “suspicious gatherings of large, aggressive birds that refuse to produce identification.”
Local reaction has been mixed. Burlington resident and lifelong goose-feeder Eleanor Voss called the effort “ridiculous and mean-spirited,” noting that the birds “have been here longer than half the people complaining about them.” Meanwhile, a group of golf course superintendents issued a joint statement praising the agencies for finally “taking the green-poop crisis seriously.”
Wildlife experts pointed out that Canada geese are native to North America, migrate seasonally, and are protected under the Migratory Bird Treaty Act. Officials dismissed these objections as “technicalities that won’t stop us from restoring order to our parks.”
As of press time, several dozen geese near the statehouse had been observed forming what appeared to be an impromptu protest V-formation, while one particularly large gander was seen eyeing Director Callahan’s coffee cup with unmistakable intent.
Officials say the first deportation flights—metaphorical or otherwise—could begin as early as next week, weather and bird attitude permitting.
Vinnie Balsamic is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.