by Johnny Bananas
FBI Raid Leads To Prospect of Moving Epstein Island To Mar-a-Lago
In a shocking turn of events the Federal Bureau of Investigation conducted a surprise raid on 45th President of the United States Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate. The heavily armed agents were said to have conducted the raid with a warrant issued by former Epstein attorney turned judge. The federal agents are in search of damning evidence that would both justify and improve the Biden-like ratings of the January 6th show trial. After their raid produced no evidence of a crime they sought the deed to the house in his safe which, to their chagrin, was empty. Sources on the scene say the same FBI team who cleaned up the Epstein crime scene are looking to move the honey pot operation to Mar-a-Lago in order to save money on sky high gas prices, capture it as a real estate asset for the agency, and take advantage of the bumper crop of illegal immigrant children crossing the border without their parents.
Norwich-Hanover Elite: Black Lives No Longer Matter As Much As Ukranians
The literal grassroots movement of front yard signs in the two wealthiest towns in the Upper Valley serve as a reminder to people who didn’t already know that black lives matter have shifted focus to solidarity with Ukraine. The one and a half black residents between the two towns were unavailable for comment, but sources say they are happy to no longer be reminded by their white neighbors that they “matter”. In an effort to reassert their intellectual hegemony, signs have been replaced around the twin town area as a clarion call to their once bigoted neighbors – it’s time to stand with Ukraine. Currently there are no Ukranian born residents living in either town, which makes them among the most oppressed, yet comes as a relief to many others.
Dartmouth College, now offering an elective class in political protesting, brought several dozen students into the well groomed streets to protest on behalf of black lives only to find their signs were no longer relevant. Seizing the teaching opportunity the adjunct professor Claire Ableman passed out vegetables from a nearby farmer’s market for the students to pelt pedestrians and storefronts. No serious injuries were reported other than several poorly conditioned students complained of rotator cuff pain.
The mass of college students then stood outside a house chanting “We’re here, we’re queer and we don’t like your science!” followed by “We’re back, we’re black, and we want loan forgiveness!” Several onlookers stood by and appreciated the anti-poetic bellicosity mixed with artistic license. One passerby from Claremont mentioned to the rowdy students that had abortions been banned since 1973 the black population would be double what it is today. In what could only be described as mass formation apoplectic psychosis the crowd, along with the entire neighborhood, cancelled themselves off all social media.
Vermont Health Department Releases New List of Marijuana Side Effects
The ever growing field (no pun intended) of medical marijuana and cannabis connoisseurs has exploded like a bag of over-nuked microwave popcorn. Beneficiaries of the new strains and edibles tout the high-tech advances in isolating and modifying active ingredients, such as THC content, to deliver medicinal benefits such as pain relief, sleep aid, reductions in anxiety and even depression thanks in part to Youtube cat-fail videos. Recently the Vermont Department of Health released an updated list of potential side effects caused by using these super-strains, including:
- Cotton eyes
- Cheeto hands
- Binge binging
- Maple tongue
- Tucker Gaze
- Drive-thru hearing disorder
- Job loss
- Knee wobble
If you are experiencing any or all of these, or know of any others not listed, please contact the VT Health Department and list them in the comments section below this article.
Dog Groomers Report Dramatic Drop In Business
Area dog groomers have seen a sudden decline in business thanks in part to an online campaign targeting predatory child groomers. Google searches now warn online requests of the “don’t say groomer” campaigns on Twitter and Reddit raising speculation about the growing problem with grooming in general. This has led to a rise in dog injuries at local dog parks with poorly shorn English sheep dogs, Burmese mountain dogs, Great Pyrenees and Bourvier des Flandres wreaking havoc on the smaller dog breeds often crashing into or simply lying down on them. Myra Delvecchio of North Hartland, Vermont lost her Pomeranian in a recent anti-grooming accident and was inconsolable, however other attendees to the dog park were quietly elated.