by Johnny Bananas
Since time in memorium men have sought to appease their female counterparts during those unique “periods” when the fairer sex stops playing fair.
The first recorded episode was when Eve lost her soon-to-be damned mind and started feeling so fruity she decided perfection wasn’t enough “I want an apple too!” Adam, history’s first simp and likely suffering from Garden Derangement Syndrome, acquiesced to his batty bride and, well, the rest is history AND herstory.
What followed was a few thousand years of men overcompensating for Eve’s miss-take by effectively silencing, shaming and shutting women out from the halls of power. “It’s not like they didn’t deserve it,” Noah was heard saying to his eldest son Ham as he shut the door to the Ark. Ham, who had married a pagan woman known for her monthly fits of rage, was concerned about the imminent alone time.
Fast forward to today and women have used their powers of persuasion and deftly painted long nails to claw their way back into positions of authority. The days of modesty, subservience and chastity are long gone. Bring on the loud, mouthy, bossy power fems of the 21st Century! Standing right behind them are their girly men who, as social justice would have it, finally know what it feels like to be a woman, whatever that is.
Man buns and moody chocolate binges meet FLO. Flo is the app that helps men who feel like women navigate those nearly impossible mood storms that, thanks to climate change, can now last an entire month!
The move toward male men-struation started in the 1960’s. Most people don’t know that when Neil “Nelly” Armstrong and Buzz “Betty” Aldrin faked landing on the moon they also faked the first male periods. NASA’s Operation Maxipad began alongside the feminist movement, then gaining traction but was buried in the news cycle after women suddenly in their right minds decided to go braless. Making up for the lack of feminine support was a massive outpouring of male support that would ultimately attract men to the movement so much they wanted to literally join it as women.
Never ones to let confusion stop them from moving forward, these brave first, second and now third wave feminists had managed to empower their sex so much they grafted men into as well, doubling their numbers in only a few short decades. “What better way to stick it to the patriarchy than to turn them into the matriarchy?” asked feminist rhetorician Gloria Steinem. As you wish, Your Highness.
Sure the problem of long lines waiting for the women’s restroom would now become unmanageable and women arguing over who was going to hold the door open for whom might start a neighborhood riot, but at least they weren’t home cooking and cleaning in peace while nurturing their children – so weak.
Now there are some holdout bigots like Allie Beth Stuckey, a conservative Christian cis-woman (need I say more) who started flapping her useless gums on Twitter about “trans women don’t have periods”. She of course was cancelled by Flo’s marketing team so now she has no idea when her cycle is going to happen unless she goes outside and looks up at the moon like the lunatic she is. Slay! Women keep winning even when they’re losing.
Of course the Roe v. Wade decision didn’t help women as much as men becoming women has, but that’s a minor setback. Flo now offers “anonymous” mode for women who want to dispose of their children illegally in states where it’s no longer legal to murder babies. Women have a God given right to choose to kill God’s unborn children, and our kind friends at Flo are making sure they still can. Progress!
Now some might say it’s impossible for men to men-struate because they lack the plumbing. Hardly. What men lack is brains, which is not a deterrent to faking emotional instability and one’s first period. We’ve come full circle since that ding-bat Eve tempted that ding-bull Adam with a piece of forbidden fruit. How do we know? Some lipstick, a dress, a man-pon and a can of frozen tomato paste and men will be cramping more than your fundamentalist style ladies.
In a period where we’re told it’s all about inclusivity feminism isn’t truly inclusive until men can have periods.
Johnny Bananas is the nom de plume of a fake news reporter living in Vermont. Nothing he reports ever actually happened. This is satire, folks.